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The Etiquette Queen
Invitations &
Mailings
Ask your questions of the Etiquette Queen now.
You may even see your question and answer posted in the space below.
Christine asked:
Regarding a formal response card to a wedding. Sometimes there is an
"M" followed by a blank line. Are you to use the "M" as
part of Mr. writing r. and the name, followed by accept and decline? How do
you use the "M".
The Etiquette Queen says:
The M with the line allows the recipient to respond, regardless of gender.
If a male you add the "r" and a period followed by the name. If a
female, add the "s" and a period followed by the name. If a married
couple, complete Mr. & Mrs. and if a couple, put both names.
Jackson asked:
What is the proper way to address my college graduation announcements?
The Etiquette Queen says:
If going to a married couple - Mr. & Mrs. If going to a single male -
Mr. If going to a single female - Ms. If going to a co-habituating couple, use
both of their full names (Mr. John Smith & Ms. Jane Doe.
Crystal asked:
I'm having my sweet 16 in April and my theme is "holly wood" but
I don't know what type of invitations to give out! please help!!=)
The Etiquette Queen says:
Choose some of your favorite stars and scan their photos and create the
cover of your invitation with a cut and paste method. Or you could use a
picture of an awards trophy.
Robin asked:
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 10 months, do I need to
invite his parents to my college graduation party? I have met them but under a
dozen times. Do I need to?
The Etiquette Queen says:
It depends. Are there going to be other adults invited besides you family?
If so, invite them and let them decide whether to come or not. If it will be
mostly people your age, you probably don't need to invite. Why not include
your boy friend in this decision.
Peggy asked:
What is the proper wording for an
open house invitation for celebration of
an 80 year old birthday regarding no gifts please. Thank you
The Etiquette Queen says:
I would just say what you just said to me. The family of Mrs. Jane Doe
proudly invites you to celebrate her 80th birthday on (date), (place), any
time between (hours of party). In lieu of gifts, please just bring yourself.
That's the best gift of all. You might want to have everyone write down a
memory of her and collect them and put them in a book.
Mary Anne asked:
My fiancé is a widower. He would like to have his deceased wife's name
mentioned somewhere on the Bar Mitzvah invitations he is planning to send out
for their son. Is there any way of including her name on the invite?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You could put Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Jane Doe
Lisa asked:
I'm throwing a 30th birthday party for my
fiancé and want people to just
bring jokes gifts. I don't want people to feel like they have to by something
for him if they generally don't for his birthday. How should I word this on
the invitation?
The Etiquette Queen says:
First of all, use a funny invitation, maybe one that ties into a theme you
will be using. On the invitation just put "gag gifts only please".
Denise asked:
New to the children's party scene some mothers of children (ages 3-8) mail a
thank you to my child from theirs after the party. Is this necessary since the
child was thanked in person and with the rising cost of postage these days? I
know is proper and a way to teach children manners, but it
appears to me
more of a coup for the parents.
The Etiquette Queen says:
The motive of any gesture is strictly up to the person making the gesture.
How can anyone be offended by a thank you note. My grandchildren's mothers
sent notes for every present received. As the person getting the note, I was
pleased. But you can do whatever you want.
Gloria asked:
I am planning a 50th. Birthday for my husband. I work at a reputable
restaurant/lounge in the area we live in. I want to have a Sunday afternoon
into the evening party on the terrace with hot appetizers, pasta, pizza,
etc......but I can't afford to supply cocktails for 70 people. Is it tacky to
include "Cash Bar" on invitations to a party where people feel
compelled to bring a gift?
The Etiquette Queen says:
I don't think so. If you are providing the food, decorations, location,
party plans, it is just find to put BYOB. You supply the ice, set ups and soft
drinks.
Ana asked:
My ex husband ,myself, and my current husband are giving my 5 year old a
birthday party. My ex is now upset because the my name and my new husbands
along with our phone number is on the invite. My ex had agreed that the RSVP
should go to me, since I was in charge of all the planning and he was only
going to contribute monetarily. I feel since there was no 'given by' blank to
fill out, there was no harm done by not having his name on the invites.
The Etiquette Queen says:
I have to say that you were wrong not to put his name on the invite. If he
is contributing, he is a host, along with you. Remember, this is for your
child, leave your personal feelings down the road. Apologize to him, and have
a good party with good feelings. You might want to announce to the adults at
the party that he is a host also.
Kayla asked:
I'm giving my parents a 25th wedding anniversary party and I'm still in
college and cannot afford to pay for over fifty(50) people to eat. So my mom's
friend suggested that we have it at a place where everyone would pay for there
own meal. What is the proper way to word this on the invitations? You are
invited but need to pay for your own food.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Put 3 food choices and their prices on the invitation RSVP to indicate
which they want. Anyone who doesn't get the hint will have to be reminded at
the dinner. But then you should pay for wine, beer and soft drinks and
dessert. If anyone wants hard liquor, cash bar.
Betty asked:
I have two questions: 1)My friend daughter is graduating and she wants to
celebrate on a dinner cruise, however she wants her guests to pay $75 each, is
this appropriate? 2) My husband and I will be married 20 years and would
like to treat our family and friends to a dinner cruise to celebrate with us?
Some say that you only do this when you make 25 or 50 years is that so? Also
we don¹t want them to give gifts?
The Etiquette Queen says:
1) Only if you want to go and if you want to pay that much. 2) You can
celebrate any anniversary you choose. In today's world, 20 years can be a
lifetime. Just put "no gifts please" on the invite.
Andrea asked:
What is the proper way to address an envelope to a long-time widow?
The Etiquette Queen says:
How does she like to be referred to, Mrs. John, Mrs. Linda, etc. Find out.
Andrea asked:
What is the proper way to address an envelope to a long-time widow?
The Etiquette Queen says:
How does she like to be referred to, Mrs. John, Mrs. Linda, etc. Find out.
Andrea asked:
What is the proper way to address an envelope to a long-time widow?
The Etiquette Queen says:
How does she like to be referred to, Mrs. John, Mrs. Linda, etc. Find out.
Doris asked:
What is the proper way to address an envelope to a couple a) both of whom
are doctors and have the same last name and b) both of whom are doctors and
have different last names?
The Etiquette Queen says:
If they have the same last name write Drs. John and Jane smith. If they
have different last names write one above the other (I assume they live
together as a couple.)
cskirkley asked:
When a husband and his wife are both medical doctors, how do you
address the envelope of a wedding invitation? thanks.
The Etiquette Queen says:
I might try "Drs. John and Joan Smith.
Mom asked:
I am the mother of the bride. Remarried and her
in-laws want to be included
on the invitation. This wiil mean three different last names. How do you word
the invitations?
The Etiquette Queen says:
I'm not sure of the question. Which
name's) are you asking about?
Grace asked:
Every year we give a gala for our area historical society. Every year the
same question concerning wording for the attire comes up! Is this such a thing
has black tie optional? We want people to know that they need to dress up can
wear "black-tie" attire but can also wear cocktail attire. So what
would be the wording? Thanks.
The Etiquette Queen says:
You could put either black-tie optional (some will wear a tux and some
won't) or put cocktail attire (no one will wear a tux but will be dressed).
Susan asked:
Is it appropriate for a colleague to call and invite me to a professional
dinner at 10:30 AM the day of the dinner, and inform me that other colleagues
have already been invited and are going to attend?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Well it is last-minute notice but unless you know the circumstances of the
late invite, don't loose it. Could be that someone just forgot to tell you. I
would go.
Julie asked:
I am having my son's first birthday party (for all of the kids) at Chuck E.
Cheese Pizza. My husband and I are paying for the 13 children to attend which
are $8.99 each. Which is well over $100.00. My question to you is, how should
I let the parents know that they aren't paid for? We are only treating the
children. Should I write a little note on the invitation or call them
personally? They are all family. Thanks a bunch!
The Etiquette Queen says:
If they are family, just tell them. No need to beat around the bush.
Kelly asked:
Help! I am planning a surprise 80th birthday party for my grandmother. I am
inviting approx. 60-70 of her friends and family. Is it appropriate to supply
the main course and drinks/desert and ask guests to bring a dish to share in
lieu of gifts. I know that my grandma would not want gifts, and this would
certainly help with the cost. How do I word the invitation? Thanks a lot!
The Etiquette Queen says:
With that amount of people coming, you probably don't need to supply the
main dish, just drinks, mixes, tableware, decorations, etc. Put that it is a
pitch-in dinner and ask each person to let you know what they will be bringing
so that you don't have all desserts, etc. Then you can manage the menu and
fill in the gaps. Happy Birthday.
Nadine asked:
We (3 children, and our spouses)
are planning on throwing a 40th Anniversary
for our party parents this summer. They have had some health issues so we did
not want to wait until the 50th.) We plan on doing it in a church hall so they
can renew their vows at the mass, then have a party with their closest 150
friends, and our favorite family band. (Note they are Polish, blue collar from
Detroit.) They gave up a lot for my brothers and I and never got to go to
Hawaii, their dream. They also did a lot for my cousins and many relatives and
friends. Would it be out of place on or in the invitation to suggest that in
lieu of gifts we recommended AAA travel gift certificates. And if it would be
OK, how would we word this? My two brothers and I are donating for the mass,
renting the hall, sit down caterer and band. Mom and Dad threw us all big
Polish weddings, fun but very classy and traditional. They love to socialize
and mom is the Martha Stewart party queen over the holidays. What do you
think?
The Etiquette Queen says:
I think you are great kids and it's a great idea for your parents. There is
nothing wrong to ask for that. Make the invitation and theme for the party all
Hawaiian. Put a like in the invite just saying "Please help (parents'
name) get to Hawaii for real. We are collecting AAA gift certificates for
their trip". Look at www.oriental.com for great decorations. Go with the
Hawaiian theme for the entire party.
Robin asked:
My 4 year old received a lot of very nice gifts for Christmas this year. As
I have always believed in the importance of thank you cards, we have in past
years (since he was too young to write them him selves) created a fun picture
or drawing (last year I painted his hands with finger paints, and used the
prints as the antlers for a really cute reindeer picture) and then included a
handwritten thank on the back of the drawing telling the recipient how much he
like their gift, etc, etc. My predicament this year is that I have run out of
cute thank you card ideas....and yet my son is still too young to actually
write them out himself. He is getting really good at writing his name. Is it
appropriate to just get a simple thank you card, write a message myself, and
have my son sign it? any other ideas?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Why not get creative with your computer. If you have a scanner, scan his
self-written name. Have him do it with a different color for each letter. If
you have a print-shop program use the card part. If not, make a template
yourself, duplicating his name slanted at all four corners and you print a big
Thank You in the middle. Use the inside to write a personal message.
Wondering Windy asked:
1. Is it tacky or inappropriate to have a "wishing well
reception" for a couple that has everything already and doesn't want
gifts? 2. If the answer to question #1 is no, how would you write this
on your wedding invitation to let people know that you would like to have a
"wishing well reception" in lieu of gifts?
The Etiquette Queen says:
1. Not if you tell the guests first. 2. Find invitations or have
invitations made that show a wishing well on the front. Call it a wishing well
party. On the inside, along with the facts (time, date, place, etc.) put RSVP
for details. hen explain it when they call to respond.
Sharon asked:
I am going to be giving my sister and her husband a 50th Wedding
Anniversary Party and it has been suggested that we have a Money Tree. How do
I address this on the invitations?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Until I started writing this column, I never heard of a Money Tree. Once I
understood what it was, I couldn't believe it. I guess I'm so old fashioned
that the thought of asking for money is against my principles unless I'm
raising funds for charity. So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm the last one
to ask about this.
William asked:
When should you give out the invitations to a party? Two weeks before? One
week before?
The Etiquette Queen says:
At least 2 weeks before, I would say the earlier the better.
Sarah asked:
I am in a group of 7 couples that meets once a month for dinner. One couple
has cancelled at the last minute the past 3 times when it has been my turn to
host the party. They have also done this to another couple. Do I have to keep
inviting them despite their rude behavior in order to not offend the other
members of the group that they apparently like?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Well, you could continue to invite them and just know they aren't coming
looking like the "good" guy. Don't let this get to you, their rude
behavior isn't your problem, it's theirs.
Kathy asked:
What is the proper wording for a formal 50th birthday party invitation and
RSVP card?
The Etiquette Queen says:
There is no one "wording" form for an invitation. You can get
them ready made, or go to a stationery store and look at their samples. That
goes for an RSVP card as well.
Stephanie asked:
I wish to ask for money instead of gifts how do I put this on invitations
without upsetting people?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You can't do it without offending people. You might spread the word
verbally among your friends but you can't ask.
Cathy asked:
I am hosting a Bachelorette Party and would like the attendees to bring
lingerie and/or sex toys for the bride to be. How should I word the
invitations?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Make it a "fun" invitation and use pictures from Victoria's
Secret and other catalogues. Just say what you would like.
Cathy asked:
I am hosting a bridal shower in Feb of 2000. Is it proper to have
"RSVP" (assume that those attending will call to confirm), or
"Regrets only" (assume everyone is coming unless they call)??
The Etiquette Queen says:
You could go either way but personally I prefer RSVP. You definitely hear
from most people one way or another. Regrets only is easy to forget and could
make for surprises.
Taryn asked:
My parents are going to Ireland for their anniversary and I am going to
throw them a party, how do I politely ask people to give money as a gift, I
was thinking a money tree or something to that affect, but I don't want it to
sound like they need a hand out or that I'm asking in an inappropriate
manner Please help!
The Etiquette Queen says:
It is never easy to ask for money for these occasions. Maybe you could
write a humorous poem saying that in order for them to get "home"
from their trip, we all need to contribute because they have only saved up
enough for the trip there.
Melissa asked:
Do the hostesses of a baby shower get invitations, too?? Maybe for
keepsakes??? There's three hostesses, I'm in charge of invites.
The Etiquette Queen says:
If you would like a souvenir, why not. But hand it to the other hostesses,
save the postage.
Stacy asked:
What is the proper way to put a card in an envelope, with the fold on top
and the front of the card facing the front (the part where you address the
card), or with the fold at the bottom and the front of the card facing the
back? What if the card has money in it, does the etiquette change?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Keep the fold at the bottom, especially if enclosing money or a check. Have
the front of the card face the back of the envelope.
See more Etiquette Queen Questions on
Invitations & Mailings
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