The
Etiquette Queen 
Ask your questions of the Etiquette Queen now.
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S. Cooper asked:
I recently purchased some everyday flatware and have four different place
knives. Three of them I recognize - one baffles me entirely. It looks like an
ultra slim pie server it that it is shaped like a wedge. It has a longer
handle than the dinner knife. Both sides are blunt. I thought it might be for
fish?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You've got me. Without actually seeing all four knives, I can't tell. Call
you local stores which carry good flatware and ask them.
Lisa asked:
My husband and I were invited to a supervisor's home for dinner. To
reciprocate, we invited them out to dinner. When the check came, the other
couple already had taken care of the bill and had brought us gifts. They say
it is in gratitude of all the work my husband does. Ultimately, we have done
nothing to repay them. Besides a thank you note, what is an appropriate gift
or gesture?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Go to you local wine and cheese store and order a basket of cheese,
crackers, fruit and bottle of wine. Don't go overboard. Include a note saying
how much you appreciate all they have done for you and you welcome their
company.
Sana asked:
I am expecting my first baby in the beginning of April. On one occasion my
sister-in-law mentioned the baby shower and asked me to let her know when I
will decide to do it. Recently a good friend of mine that she would like to do
for me. I told her about my sister-in-law's comment and that I will talk to my
in laws about the issue...I was sweet enough to give them the priority to do
it either by themselves or with my friend's help. My mother-in-law was so rude
(unfortunately) and turn the whole story as if I prefer my friend to do it
which is Ok with them, and that they are not prepared to do it for their first
baby?!!!!. I felt so bad from the way she handle it and that she will tell her
daughter that my friend will do it without any explanation for the way she
handle it by herself. My sister-in-law is so sensitive and I am sure she will
not understand things right. I wish if I can talk to her about the whole
situation, but my mother-in-law asked me and my husband n! ! ! not to talk to
her daughter about it. It's so weird and bad the way she handled this
subject...Please let me know what to do exactly in my situation since my
friend will do it for me now???? (by the way my relationship with my
mother-in-law is so sensitive and unstable!!!). Thanks
The Etiquette Queen says:
First of all, your mother-in-saw sounds like a mean spirited person. This
is your baby and your time to be happy. Call your sister-in-law and tell her
what happened. Ask her if she would like your friend to co-host the shower. If
not, your friend can have a party for the baby when it comes. As for your
relationship with your mother-in-law, you will be surprised at how she'll
come around once the baby is born. If she has any feelings for her new
grandchild, she will make peace with the baby's mother. Trust me.
Etah asked:
I am giving my Grandmother an 80th birthday party in February(with her
blessing). She is still quite active and would like to see her party colored
in red/red roses because she loves flowers. The party will be a drop-in at the
church she attends. Any really cool ideas regarding decorations or themes,
etc???
The Etiquette Queen says:
Get a picture of your grandmother and blow it up poster size and mount it.
Have everyone who comes sign it for her. Look at the theme site and surf the
various ideas. A lot has to do with your budget. There are a lot of wonderful
decorations that are reasonably priced at www.oriental.com. The food will
depend upon your theme but be careful with heated and iced things. Maybe a
child's party with all the games, food, decorations, you would for someone who
is 5 or 6.
Jan asked:
Who usually gives the Engagement Party and when?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Well, there is no "The Engagement Party" just "An Engagement
Party". Anyone can give it, relatives, friends, etc.
Adrianna asked:
I need a couple of ideas to celebrate my mom's 50th birthday. We never
celebrated her birthday. My mom doesn't look her age she looks younger.(like
38-40) Really! We would like to make her day memorable without making her feel
old. Thanks!
The Etiquette Queen says:
Contact your relatives and your mom's friends and ask them to send you
photos and a written memory or two and put these in an album for your mom to
keep. Each of you children write a private letter to her. Make her day
"All About Mom". If possible start with breakfast in bed. I don't
know you financial status but if you can do it, get her a "Day of
Beauty" at a local spa. Take her to dinner. Take lots of pictures of
"Her Day" and add them to the album.
Carrie asked:
My fiancé and I have both been married twice before. I am now planning our
wedding. We were wondering are there any rules of etiquette I need to be aware
of in relation to guests that I invite. Example, Is it okay to invite friends
or family from an ex-marriage? Thank you.
The Etiquette Queen says:
If you are still friendly with them, why not. Personally, I am still very
close with my ex-sister-in-law. I visit with her when I am in her city. I
didn't divorce her, just her brother. Ask you fiancé if he would be
comfortable with this.
Mary asked:
In planning a 50th wedding party for our parents, we need to have
appropriate ideas for guests party favors. Also, anything that would make it
an extra special occasion?
The Etiquette Queen says:
The traditional gift for 50 is gold so you might want to keep that in mind.
Surf some of the themes from partygirl/themes and that can help you make some
initial decisions such as: budget, casual or dressy, time, place, budget,
decorations, etc. Once you have done that, if you still have questions, please
write back. Give you folks my regards. Quite an accomplishment today!
Heather asked:
As a follow-up to my last question to where a steak knife is placed at a
formal dinner setting. Your answer was to place the steak knife to the right
of the plate. Does this mean you place the two knifes side by side if you also
have a regular knife set out?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Yes, the steak knife is closest to the plate.
Ludi asked:
I am planning my wedding and am considering some dates in October. However,
October includes Yom Kippur and Sukkot. Will either of these Jewish holidays
prevent my Jewish friends from traveling and attending my wedding?
The Etiquette Queen says:
I would not schedule the wedding until after Yom Kippur. That is the most
holy day in the Jewish calendar. Sukkot would only interfere if the guest was
orthodox or very conservative.
Heather asked:
Comments = Where is a steak knife placed at a formal dinner table setting.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Knives always go on the right. The easiest way to remember placement of
utensils is that you lay them out in their order of use; steak knife next to
plate on right.
Valerie asked:
What type of center piece should I use for a males high school grad party?
The Etiquette Queen says:
One idea would be to use a miter board and diploma theme. You can order the
hats from www.oriental.com. and roll paper and tie with a ribbon yourself. Put
these together with some balloons in the school colors and sprinkle some
glitter.
Marlene asked:
At a table setting for dinner -- where is the water glass placed? Is it
placed at the knife tip with the wine glasses below or is the water glass
first and then the wine glasses?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Water glass first and then wine.
Bluebelle asked:
Hi! I have a couple of questions. The first one is: What is a finishing
school and what exactly is taught there? The second question is: Is there an
age limit for going to such a school? Thank you for your time and trouble.
The Etiquette Queen says:
It used to be that "finishing school" was a fancy name for a
private school attended by society ladies. The same things were taught there
as in regular school. Today we just call them private schools. The only
difference between public and private school is the price and the class sizes.
Private schools also may offer extra things like riding.
Peggy asked:
Hello, My father-in-law is turning 60 this month. My husband wants to
do something big for his dad, and has been working on ideas. One of his ideas
was to invite some of his old buddies and go to a restaurant that is central
to everyone who is coming (we are all at different ends of L.A. County). The
restaurant is a very nice restaurant, and a long-time favorite of his dad's.
My husband and I thought that it would be OK to tell the guests up front that
everyone is to buy their own meal. We'd pay for his dad's of course :)
However, he has received negative feedback when he brought this idea up to his
dad's new wife. She said "You have to pay for everyone if you do
something like that." Which we cannot afford. We are now considering
trashing that idea entirely...but before we do, I thought I'd check with you
on this. Obviously we cannot afford to pick up everyone's tab - but it IS his
60th and we want to do something nice. I feel that if you're up front with
people, they wouldn't consider! ! ! it tacky to have to pay their own way. Or
would they? Any suggestions/advice will be most appreciated! Thank you
and happy new year :) Peggy
The Etiquette Queen says:
I feel that if you tell them in the invitation that they will pay for their
own meal then you have done the right thing. You might consider a buffet; it's
usually less expensive than a "plated" dinner. You pick up the tab
for the bar and offer beer, wine and soft drinks. See if you can afford hard
liquor. Let the guests know exactly how much it will cost and they can then
decide whether to come or not. I would not be insulted. Or you can plan a
couple of choices and put their various prices down and let the guest choose.
As for your father-in-law's wife, she should just stick to being a guest and
enjoying herself.
Shirley asked:
What is the proper use of a "Charger" plate, and what is the
placement of the wine glass in relation to the water goblet? Thanks
The Etiquette Queen says:
The charger is put on the table before the guests arrive and the dinner
plate is placed on top. It is strictly for looks and should be removed before
any food is served. I have seen wine glasses placed on both sides but I have
always put them at the 1:00 position and the water glass at the 1:30 position.
That way if someone refuses wine, the glass is not in the way.
Sonya asked:
What is the traditional or modern colors for the 30th wedding anniversary.
We want to use that color for decorations at the party.
The Etiquette Queen says:
There are no traditional colors for a 30th. The traditional gift is the
pearl and you could go with that as a theme and part of a color scheme.
Loretta asked:
The 5 siblings are planning a 50th wedding anniversary catered dinner at a
hotel out of town. My question is: Are the 5 siblings responsible for paying
for the banquet or is it right to put how much the meal is per person on the
invitations. The meal must be paid for in advance. Thank you.
The Etiquette Queen says:
You must decide between hosting a party (you 5 pay for everyone) and
organizing a party (everyone pays for themselves). You will probably have a
smaller turnout if they have to pay themselves. You could serve soft drinks
and wine and have a cash bar if you are paying for dinner. If you do that, be
sure to put that on the invitation. If you are going to have everyone pay for
themselves, you should probably offer a choice (meat and fish) and put the
price.
Beverly asked:
We're planning our 7th yr. anniversary party to take place June,2000. This
is our second marriage and we're doing this because we married privately in
Ocean City, MD., without our kids, family & friends. We want to renew our
wedding vows but not turn this into a "wedding" per se., i.e..,
church, gown, etc. I would like it to be a dressy affair - can I somehow, at
the hotel banquet room, renew our vows in front of our guests with a preacher
or isn't it proper to blend this act at the reception? any ideas?
The Etiquette Queen says:
I don't see why not. Plenty of couples renew their vows at various times in
their married lives. Do it.
Shirley asked:
I will be attending a Mayoral Inaugural Ceremony on the 1-1-2000. I need to
know if I am to bring a gift and how to dress for such an affair. She is my
good friend.
The Etiquette Queen says:
No gift is necessary, You might want to write her a letter or note. I would
say, not knowing the details of the occasion, that a nice dress or pants suit
would be just fine.
Jenni asked:
Just a few days ago, for Christmas, I gave my new boyfriend's parents a
small tin of homemade goodies. A few days later, I was at their house for
lunch and was given a Christmas Gift (an Aromatic Candle). Do I send a thank
you note for the gift? I don't want to be perceived as a suck-up, but would
like to express gratitude for remembering me at Christmas. What should I do?
The Etiquette Queen says:
As I told the previous writer, I believe that any gift should be
acknowledged with a thank you note. It's not sucking up, it good manners.
Frances asked:
My Sorority wants to have a reception for a sister sorority. We want something
exceptionally nice. There will be about 18 women.
Please help. Thank you
The Etiquette Queen says:
Look at the theme site of partygirl for some suggestions. And look at
gamegirl also.
Robert asked:
My grandmother just passed away and our family has received many sympathy
cards. What is the proper etiquette regarding acknowledgement of the cards?
Are we required to send thank you notes? Thank you.
The Etiquette Queen says:
You only need to send a note if the sender made any sort of donation. Other
than that, just thank them in person the next time you see them.
Mary asked:
Is it appropriate to wear a rather large (2 carat) cocktail ring during the
day. Would it be acceptable to wear it as an "everyday" piece of
jewelry???
The Etiquette Queen says:
I wouldn't wear it during the day for a few reasons. First of all, too
dressy. Second of all, those around you will get the wrong impression (either
think it's fake or ostentatious). Third, what purpose would it serve other
than showing off. Save it for special occasions.
William asked:
When serving a meal that has several courses such as 10. What order should
the courses arrive?
The Etiquette Queen says:
If there are more than one appetizer, the fish one goes second. Then if
there is a soup course. The order the main dishes is optional depending upon
what is being served. Then comes the salad. If there is a sorbet, it comes
after the appetizer. Dessert and coffee and a brandy or another after dinner
drink is last
K Penrod asked:
WE are giving a "sort of" last minute New Years party at our
home. WE are on a budget and have three small children. The people we will be
inviting are all pretty much the same as us (small children, small budget).
What are some good things that are cheap to do with the guests and children?
Is it appropriate to ask the guests to bring some of the food (in a potluck
fashion) Is it appropriate to ask the guests with children to help pay for the
babysitter who will be there helping out with the kids? How late should a
party with children last? This is my first "grown up" party I have
ever given! I am nervous and could use any help you have!
The Etiquette Queen says:
Yes, everyone should chip in for the babysitter, the more kids, the more
money. You could play some kid games (even adults love duck,duck,goose and
musical chairs) Have do-it-yourself sundaes after pizza, food all ages love.
Look at the gamegirl site for some other ideas.
Christi asked:
Should I send out thank you's to family members who we spent Christmas with
and opened gifts there? We thanked and hugged on our way out the door like we
always do. Should I just send thank you's to the relatives who live far away
who sent gifts? Who should get the thank you's for Christmas gifts?
The Etiquette Queen says:
If you can't say thank you in person, you should definitely send a note. As
to the others, I always send a note when getting a gift. Shows that
"special" something and is usually appreciated.
m asked:
What is the proper place setting arrangement for a dinner party?
The Etiquette Queen says:
I assume you mean the silverware, glassware and plates. Set the silver with
the forks on the left and the knives on the right closest to the plate and
then the spoons next to the knives. If using a butter knife, put it at the 12
o'clock position of the plate. Lay the silverware out in the order it will be
used with the first fork on the outside and work it in. As for the plates, if
using a charger it goes under the plate. Glasses at the 10 o'clock position.
Serve from the left and remove from the right.
Nicole asked:
I am interested in how a true gentleman would go about being
"chivalric" these days. How would he act with doors(car, elevator,etc.), bill, how he escorts a lady in public and when and where he
escorts her. Can you please enlighten me as to what I should expect from a
well behaved man these days?
The Etiquette Queen says:
A gentleman usually opens doors for a lady and lets her enter and exit
first (unless his hands are full and then she should do it). He should remove
his hat indoors. When walking down the street, an old-fashioned idea is that
he is always on the outside (comes from the days of horse and buggy, he takes
the mud splash). If he has asked the lady for a date, he pays the bills,
unless it is previously understood that some other arrangement is necessary.
As to how and when and where he escorts her, that is an individual and mutual
decision. Some women are very independent and don't like all the fuss but I
know most do.
Babs asked:
I work in a studio where there are three separate businesses that share the
same office space and name. At our office Christmas party, the three business
owners gave gifts to all the assistants, even the ones in other offices. My
question is: Is it correct or incorrect to give thank-you notes even though a
verbal thank-you was given at the party as soon as the gifts were opened?
The Etiquette Queen says:
I feel that a thank-you note is always that extra step that makes the giver
feel special. It is also a good reflection on the writer.
Nia asked:
Where is the proper place to inscribe a book?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Usually people pick the first right hand page or the inside of the cover on
the left.
Jennifer asked:
I am helping plan a gathering for a university. Faculty, staff and
especially students are invited. We are hoping for a group of 300-400 people.
It's an evening of dinner and dancing for a millennial event. Would you call
it a gala, party, ball? It begins at 8:00 p.m. Is a sit-down dinner OK? My
mother thinks it's too late for dinner; she says heavy hors d'oeuvres (rolls,
meat cut by staff, finger stuff). I've heard of a family style sit-down dinner
where two entrees are served on platters (of course with a starch and veggie)
and the food is passed around like at a family dinner table. Is this popular?
How is received compared to a buffet/sit-down dinner?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Family style is too cumbersome for that many people and that time of night.
I like stations (lots of mini buffets) for large parties. That way the guests
can eat what they like. You might have a pasta bar with different sauces and
pasta and toppings; a station with cheese, crackers, veggies and dip; one with
things like chicken/tuna/salmon/egg salad with cocktail size bread and fresh
fruit; one with presliced beef/ham/chicken with a couple of hot sides such as
a potato and a veggie; and a dessert station.
Bob asked:
Is it proper for a nephew not to attend his aunt's funeral where the
funeral is in a distant city (requiring an airplane flight)?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Yes, but be sure to send a personal note and maybe make a phone call.
Beth Ann asked:
Help! Party etiquette is desperately needed for my child's 7th grade
classmates. How do I know this? Well, Etiquette Queen, hang on to your crown .
. . On asking my daughter what she wanted for her main Christmas gift
she responded, "A Christmas party for my class". Oh, what a sweet
gesture. We readied the house and yard by decorating "to the
hilt". We planned and prepared wonderful finger-foods and appropriate
beverages, and created some fun games with prizes. The invitations were
distributed to each of the 51 classmates, each clearly stating the need for a
response to our phone number. The goody bags were under the tree, sparkling in
their cellophane wrappers; these were to be gifts that my daughter would
distribute to each party guest as he/she left. So how did the 12-13 year
olds behave. NOT. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm no prude. I like to have a
loud, good time. I like being goofy with Jenna and her friends. Silliness is
par for the course with preteens. Oh, and to watch the "courting"
begin---it is such a hoot. However, the destruction of my home should not have
been a part of the evening's events. There was the little boy who stood
over the seafood platter and double-dipped shrimp after shrimp into the
cocktail sauce. Mints from silver dishes were used as ammunition, the banister
was viewed as a slide. Heart-pine floors are permanently
scarred---gouged, actually---by the rearranging of our furniture. A pair of
folded socks was used in an aggressive game of "catch" from the
upstairs balcony/landing to the bottom of the staircase. (Did someone actually
go into my son's sock drawer?) Because the beds were used as trampolines, my
daughter's beautifully-carved black-walnut bed, one that has been passed down
from mother to daughter for 5 generations, now has a broken footboard. Some
guests helped themselves to goody bags from under the tree, and to top it all
off, one young "lady" kicked out the screen in an upstairs dormer
window, then preceded out on the roof to retrieve it---all this while parents
are driving up to pick up their children! When I finally got up to ! ! ! the
room, she was sitting in the window seat with her legs dangling out of the 2nd
story window with a hey-look-at-me kind of expression on her face. Now,
I wasn't expecting them to act like adults, but, fool that I was, I did expect
more than this. One might say there wasn't enough adult supervision. There
were 7 adults in attendance, and still a handful of kids out of 24 managed to
reek havoc. Well, what's my question? Here goes. Would you mind pointing
me to a manners/etiquette resource that I might pass along to the principal at
our children's' private school. In our busy lives, we as parents evidently have
not made the time to teach our children the necessary social skills for events
such as the one we hosted in our home. I don't consider this solely a
reflection on parents, but perhaps much of it is a result of the
"busy-ness" of our culture, the "visual over-stimulation"
our kids get, among other factors. Anyway, kids shouldn't act like
brats. We have a caring, sensitive principal who wants to take part in
the equipping of our children for life. These wonderful kids deserve to know
better, for there own sakes . . . and for the sake of my home. In spite of it
all, I would like to have them over again next year. Hopefully a year of
maturing, and some good instruction in etiquette, will make a big
difference. Thanks in advance for your help.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Beth, did you read your letter before you sent it? I can't believe so.
First of all, why was this behavior allowed to go as far as it did? Why wasn't
it stopped before it got so out of hand? Upstairs should have been off limits
and the party should have been in a rec room in the basement. At that age, you
need to confine them. Shrimp for that age? What happened to pizza. I know you
wanted to have a "nice" party for your daughter, but your
expectation level wasn't realistic. It only takes one or two to start them
up. As for not blaming the parents, you don't blame anyone. If not the
parents, then who. Do you think these parents would condone this behavior in
their houses? I think not! Unfortunately, the very kids whose behavior was the
worst probably have the least involved parents. It's not up to the school to
enforce good behavior. I'm sure these kids knew the right thing, they just
chose not to do it. As for the girl hanging out the window, did you tell her
parents? I would have. As for 7 adults for a party that large, you were
outgunned. Should have had many more. As for doing it again next year, I
would: 1) Plan an outdoor affair for the summer and not allow anyone in, or,
2) Keep them in the basement and have enough adults, or, 3) Let someone else
have it.
LL asked:
My 7 y.o. daughter played piano for church. A few days later she received a
complimentary note in the mail telling her how well she did and how they
appreciated it. Should she send them a thank you note for that note, or is it
ok to thank them in person next week?
The Etiquette Queen says:
No note is needed, a personal, spoken thank you is just fine. What nice
people to take the time to send a note. Doesn't happen often today.
Bob asked:
We are hosting a New Years Eve party. Are there any specific colors for
table cloths, napkins etc.. for the Millennium celebration?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Nothing official. Usually silver, white and glittery stuff come to mind.
JoLee asked:
Ok, here's the deal. My fiancé and I were going to have an engagement
party, and I wanted to throw him a surprise B-day party and I just got a new
job. Could I just throw a general party with all our friends to celebrate all
three events or would that be tacky? I don't have the time, money or interest
in hosting 3 parties.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Call it a "Happy Everything" party and have a great time.
Caryl asked:
When serving a sit-down dinner from which side do you give the plate and
which order do you take them away (i.e. women first)?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Serve from the left, remove from the right. Generally you remove starting
with the lady but usually it depends upon who is finished.
Mike asked:
What is the protocol for Christmas caroler's who come to sing at my house?
For example, applaud after every song, invite them to come into my home, offer
them something before they leave? Please let me know as soon as possible as I
expect them any day now! Thanks for your help.
The Etiquette Queen says:
It depends. If you know the people, you could invite them in for
refreshments. Otherwise, I would just applaud and say thank you.
Norma asked:
We had a company x-mas party in my home for about 45 people. We hired a
catering service. Is it proper to tip the catering service?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Usually the catering bill includes a "service" charge which
covers the tip. Check the bill or ask the caterer. If it doesn't, then by all
means tip the service, but make sure they really get the money.
LL asked:
My 7 y.o. daughter played piano for church. A few days later she received a
complimentary note in the mail telling her how well she did and how they
appreciated it. Should she send them a thank you note for that note, or is it
ok to thank them in person next week?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Just thank them in person and feel very lucky to know people like that. It
is very rare in today's world for anyone to take the time to give a
compliment, let alone, write a note. Share this info with others to let them
know how special these people are.
Jennifer asked:
How many different desserts should I have for a "dessert only"
party of forty guests?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You need at least one or two cakes (usually one chocolate). Tarts and Petit
Fours are good for one or two bite food. Fresh fruit for those watching their
weight. Trays of cookies and brownies are great for grazing. A couple types of
pie, maybe one fruit and one with a graham cracker crust and maybe something
like lemon meringue. I would have at least 10-12 choices with various colors,
textures, etc. You might even have a do-it-yourself sundae bar set in the
kitchen where it's easier to contain the mess.
beverly asked:
At a recent birthday party I gave for my husband, one couple FORGOT to
come. They called the next day to apologize etc. My question is, should they
still send him a gift? Everyone else brought gifts. It was a fancy party in a
hotel. It cost me quite a bit to have them no show.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Beverly, when you give a party, you do it for the honoree. If someone
forgets to come, it's their loss. As far as what it cost you, you just have to
forget it. And as far as a gift if concerned, I don't believe that anyone
should ever expect a gift. When one comes, it should be viewed as a great
surprise and acknowledged as such. But I don't give a present every time I get
invited to a party.
JohnZ asked:
What is the proper way to insert a card, greeting, invitation, or other
into its envelope?
The Etiquette Queen says:
The open side of a folded invitation goes in first. If is a single card,
the bottom goes in first.
Linda asked:
I was invited to a baby shower about 5 months ago for an acquaintance - I
went - gave a nice gift and received a timely thank you note. However, I was
never notified of the baby's birth (I did hear 3 months after the fact from
someone else). What is the etiquette here?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Many people don't send birth announcements because they feel that it would
be like asking for a gift. Most people find out about a new birth from friends
and family. I can't believe that none of your mutual friends told you earlier.
Steve asked:
My simple question is: What's the correct way to put an invitation or
greeting card into the envelope? Which way should it face?
The Etiquette Queen says:
The open part of the folded invite goes in first. If it is just a card, it
should come out of the envelope as it reads, top first.
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