The
Etiquette Queen 
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Laura asked:
I was wondering if my aunt sent out 25 invitations for a baby shower and we
have gotten only 2 phone calls for "no's", should we presume all
these people are coming. We did send the invitations out only last week, due
to a due date change. They have 5 more days to respond. A few of my close
friends that I talk to daily are coming and they just called me and told me
themselves. R.S.V.P. does mean to call either way, correct?? My aunt was just
trying to get a count for food and games. Should you ever call and
"double check" with people?? Or any other suggestions?? Thanks
The Etiquette Queen says:
I'd wait a few more days and then call. Otherwise you could have a surprise
of either too many or not enough.
Jackie asked:
I am getting married in January, 2000. We have planned a very small,
intimate wedding...only parents, grandparents, and some very close
friends...about 50 people. I have asked two of my friends to be attendants in
the wedding and they want to have a wedding shower for me. They are not sure
how to word the invitations because most of the people invited to the shower
will not be invited to the wedding. Can you help me?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You don't have to mention the wedding in the invitation. It is for a shower
and leave it at that. At the party, if someone asks about the wedding plans,
tell them honestly that it is family only but you plan to have all your
friends over after you get married. And then do it.
Amy asked:
I am having my sweet 16 party on October 30th because it is on a Saturday
night and my birthday is on Monday, November 1st. Would it be way weird to
have a Halloween/Sweet 16 theme thing goin'? Also When is the best time to
send out my invitation how many weeks early and stuff? Thanks Bunchez!
The Etiquette Queen says:
I think it's great to celebrate that way. Invites can go out as far as 6
weeks ahead but no later than 3.
Ellen asked:
We are having a Kiddush Luncheon following our son's Bar Mitzvah. Everyone in our congregation is invited to
it. (We are only sending invitations to our
friends from Temple and our non-Jewish friends, but there will be an open
invitation in our Newsletter) We are also having an evening dinner/dance. My
question is how do I address the invitations if I am inviting the entire
family to the luncheon, but only the parents and our son's friend to the
evening party. I would like to have the smaller dinner/dance invitation
enclosed with the Bar Mitzvah/luncheon invitation. Is it proper to address the
outside invitation to the whole family and the inside invitation to the
parents and friend?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You need to send two different invitations if this is a problem with a lot
of people. Say you are inviting a family with the mom, dad and 3 kids to the
service and lunch and just the teenage boy to the evening. Send the boy a
separate invitation to the evening party.
Barbara asked:
I'm having a drop-in party for a 90 year old lady. On the invitations, do I
ask for a rsvp?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You should ask because how will you have any idea how many will come. You
don't need to know the time, just an approximate count.
KATHY asked:
We are having a 50th wedding anniversary party for my in laws. It will be
in the evening. We are serving Hot and Cold appetizers, punch and coffee.
There will be a cash bar available. What is the best way to convey this
information on the invitation? We are not asking for RSVPs. thanks.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Just Write it down with the other info on the invitation. I was recently
invited to a birthday party for a friend and was surprised by a cash bar. No
surprises.
lily asked:
I'm planning a surprise party for a friend across the country in 4 weeks.
All I have are the names and email addresses of his friends. I need to get the
invitations out right away. In this case would it be appropriate to send
email invitations. Any suggestions on how to word an email initiation? The
party will be at a restaurant then we will be going to a comedy club
afterwards. Thanks
The Etiquette Queen says:
Use your e-mail with an attachment. Scan the invitation you would have sent
in the mail and attach it to the e-mail. Make sure its in a format that can be
opened by both IBM and Mac.
Audra asked:
I am throwing a millennium party at my home. I will be inviting about 60-75
people, I would like to get the invitations out early. How early is too early?
Or what time is most appropriate? Thanks! Audra
The Etiquette Queen says:
Invitations usually go out about 6 weeks before the event.
Evelyn Howard asked:
My sisters and I are planning a 50th Anniversary Party for our parents.
Many of their friends/family live out of town and may not be able to attend
the party. My question is related to the invitations: is it appropriate to
include on the invitation an offer for people to send along any fond memories
they have of our parents to share the day of their party? If this is
appropriate for the invitation, is it ok to make this request and not include
a postage-paid envelope? Thank you for any help you may be able to
offer.
The Etiquette Queen says:
This is not only appropriate but a suggestion I make all the time. If they
can't attend, ask them to include a photo. Take Polaroid's of those who can
attend and put all of this into an album. You do not need to send an envelope.
Missy asked:
Looking for creative wording for sister's upcoming bachelorette party. Any
ideas?
The Etiquette Queen says:
How about something like "Let's all get together for the last time
(name) uses her last name. Our bachelorette is going to be a missus."
teresa asked:
My husband and I are having a 30th anniversary party for his parents. How
do I word the invitation? I can't say "please join us to celebrate our
parents anniversary" because, obviously they are not "my"
parents.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Well, technically, I guess they aren't but most in-laws like their child's
spouse to feel like family. If you just can't say "Parents" and be
comfortable, use they first names, i.e. Bill and Mary
Anonymous asked:
I'm planning a casual gathering on my 15th birthday. The only guests will
be: parents, two friends from school, and my former teacher who has become my
close friend. I would also love to have my aunt. Is it okay to invite an aunt,
or is better to have a different gathering with her instead? I really want to
relax and enjoy conversation. It seems that normally, teens don't include
relatives in their parties. But since it's such a small party and I'm already
inviting another adult, I was thinking it might be okay. It might even be
better with the two adults. Is the addition of my aunt likely to make people
feel more reserved, more relaxed, or does it matter? Would you recommend it?
Thanks very much!
The Etiquette Queen says:
I absolutely recommend inviting your aunt. Just the idea makes me think
that you are close and she will be a great asset. Do it!
heidi orlovich asked:
we have spent a lot of money on invitations and I was wondering about the etiquette
on addressing them. I do not have the best handwriting in the world
nor does anyone I know, so my question would it be proper to print the
envelopes out on the computer? thank you for any information you can give me, Heidi
The Etiquette Queen says:
Of course it's OK. Choose a great font, not just a boring one. They even
have script fonts. Practice on paper first to get the font and size right.
Imz asked:
My husband and I hosted a fabulous Halloween party last year. Or house is
very cool and very haunted! I invited about 50 people. These were neighbors
and several couples I don't know well but would like to get to know and
figured they would enjoy dressing up. Most of the people knew each other in
fact several knew each other better than ourselves. Regardless it was a fun
time! I was hoping that my guests would think of us when they where
entertaining and we did get invited to a Christmas party. Since our
party I have hardly seen some of these guests especially in a social
situation. My question is: I would like to host another party but 50
people maxs out my house can I not delete some names off my original guest
list and replace them with others I would like to get to know? More than likely
word will get out how awesome our house is I would feel bad if I hurt anyone's
feelings by not inviting them back again. I guess I might feel a little hurt
if it was the other way around. What do you think? A perplexed vampires.
The Etiquette Queen says:
If a year has passed and they haven't had you over to their home, don't
worry about it. Invite who you want and have a good time.
Marie asked:
I am having a millennium/50th birthday party on 12/31/99. I committed to a
room for 80 people at $125 per person. I am personally inviting 40 people and
paying for their evening. To make it a bigger party and fill the room, I am
allowing my friends to invite their friends and family at a price of $125 per
person. In addition My sister and son are going to invite all of their friends
at the same charge. How do I word this on my friends invitation so they
don't think they are being charged. My sister and son will have separate invitations for their
friends. Thank you
The Etiquette Queen says:
You will have to draft a cute but to the point note to include with the
invitation. Be up front and state that the invitee is your guest and if they
would like to bring someone, they have to pay.
Sandy asked:
My sister and I are taking our Mom on a surprise cruise for her 80th
birthday instead of giving her a party. Would it be alright to send out
cards to her friends and relatives inviting them to send a birthday card
to her at our address so we could present these cards to her on the ship on
her actual birthday? Thanks.
The Etiquette Queen says:
What a great idea and what great kids you are. Your mom will love it.
Cristen asked:
I am giving my husband a surprise 40th birthday party at which there will
be about 60 guests. Would it be in poor taste to ask guests to bring their own
alcoholic beverages and how should this request be worded on the invitations?
The Etiquette Queen says:
There have been BYOB parties for many years. (Stands for Bring Your Own
Booze). Just add those initials to your invitations
Tiffanie Sgritta asked:
If you are having a 50th anniversary party for your parents and you don't
want guests to bring material gifts, but instead contribute money for a
trip/vacation for your parents, how do you word that on the invitation?
The Etiquette Queen says:
There is no way to be direct about it. Just say what you have in mind as a
gift and let the guests do as they please. Otherwise it looks like a
solicitation.
Coretta asked:
My sisters and I are planning a surprise 50th birthday dinner party for our
mother. We all agree that we can share the price for 50 people together.
However our family accounts for 21 of the people. How do we inform her 29
friends that our budget is limited and they can not invite a guest. Or should
we limit the list to accommodate the person being invited and a guest.
PS: We have accounted for her friends that are married or have significant
other.
The Etiquette Queen says:
If you send an invitation to a couple you can expect 2 people. If you send
an invitation to 1 person, it would be presumptuous to bring a guest. Be sure
you put RSVP and when they do, make sure you explain why they can't bring a
guest and also so that you will know the count.
Pam K. asked:
We are planning our 25th wedding anniversary. We must prepay for meals for
each invited guest. How do we stress on the invitation/response card, the
importance to RSVP? Not everyone is etiquette savvy! Also, we would like for
our guest to leave their children at home but there will be one or 2 minors
there. They are important family members to us. We can't say "adults
only" if we allow our minor relatives. What should we say on the
invitation?
The Etiquette Queen says:
First of all, say RSVP by (a certain date). then if you haven't heard by
then, call. Make the RSVP date far enough in advance to be sure. Secondly,
simply say, adults only. If there are 2 children who you invite that's
different, you invited them.
Tesha asked:
Hello, I am currently planning a 30th birthday party for myself. Some of my
family members have the tendency to bring their children to adult
events.... How do I word my invitations so that my guess will know that
I simply do not want children at my party?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Simply say "Adults only".
Ann asked:
My sister and I are planning a surprise 25th wedding anniversary for our
parents. How far in advance should we send out the invitations? We're planning
the party for October 30 or 31 (the weekend before their anniversary), is that
okay if their anniversary is on Nov. 2 (a Tuesday)?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Figure about 6 weeks before to mail the invites. that gives you plenty of
time to get the RSVPs. Any date will be great. The thought is what counts.
Mike S asked:
How do you invite people to a birthday party dinner and let them know they
are expected to pay for their own meal? Would you call it a "Dutch"
dinner?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Use some clever words like including a piece of tree bark and say
"Let's all chip in". Or a picture of a wooden shoe and call it
Dutch. If you know someone well enough to invite them to a party, you know
them well enough to explain the details.
Ginny asked:
We are having an Open House with a Hawaiian Luau theme to celebrate my
husband's 50th birthday. Family, friends and neighbors will be invited. We
want people to stop by and help him celebrate his birthday without feeling
obligated to bring a gift. "Your presence is your present" sounds
too cute. Can you suggest another way to let them know that gifts are not
expected. Thanks.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Well, you could suggest a donation to his favorite charity. You really
can't stop people from bringing something if they know it's a birthday party.
The only other option is just call it a party and leave out the birthday part
until that night.
ELLEN LASKY asked:
I AM HAVING A BAT MITZVAH FOR MY DAUGHTER. HOW DO I ADDRESS THE INVITE TO A
GOOD FRIEND, HER FAMILY AND A GUEST OF HER CHOICE?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Simply put Ms. --- & Guest and underneath that put the ---- Family.
Amanda asked:
My friend and I are having a party together to celebrate our twenty fifth
birthdays. How do we handle the invitations to couples whom are dating but do
not live together? In most cases, we know both people very well, but we are
not sure if it is proper to send one invitation to both of them or one to each
of them. If we send just one, to whom do we send it? Thanks!
The Etiquette Queen says:
As long as they are not married or living together, you send an invitation
to each of them separately. They will probably come together but it isn't
correct to send only one.
Sheila Duhon asked:
What information is place on a House warming invitation
The Etiquette Queen says:
Date, time, occasion, place, host/hostess are rather standard info. If it
is an open house, no RSVP, otherwise, include that to get some idea of how
many will come.
Mollie asked:
How do you properly address a wedding invitation to the reverend who will officiate your ceremony?
The Etiquette Queen says:
If it's just the Reverend, you could put The Rev. etc. If you are also
inviting the spouse, put The Rev and Mrs./Mr.
Victoria asked:
I'm planning a casual wine tasting party with a small group of friends (20
couples). What would be a good way to word the invitations if I want them to
bring their favorite wine to share with everyone? Would it be rude to ask them
to also bring their favorite appetizer? Also I would like some ideas for
appetizers and mood setting for this type of party? Thanks in advance!!!
The Etiquette Queen says:
If you are giving a party, you must contribute something so I suggest the
appetizers. If you will be drinking wine, you need to provide things that will
be able to help clear the palette and have enough substance to absorb some of
the wine. I suggest various cheese and some different crackers such as stoned
ground wheat thins. You could hollow out a round pumpernickel bread and fill
it with spinach dip, put on a platter and put the removed bread around for
dipping. Have a fruit platter also. You could add peanuts, pretzels, baked
chips, etc. As far as how to work the invitations, just say that you would
like to have a "Share your favorite wine" party and state that each
couple should bring their favorite wine. Get those small plastic wine glasses
(plenty) so you can allow for many different tastes for your guests.
Louise asked:
My husband and his brother are throwing a 50th Wedding Anniversary Party
for their parents. What is proper to say on the Given By line on the invitations? Their first names, or the children of Mr. and Mrs. Blank?
The Etiquette Queen says:
It should be first names with their last name. Presumably, the guests will
know your in-laws well enough to know who they are.
Kim asked:
I'm planning a large "hospitality" party for my employer, we can accommodate
approximately 750 guest. Each invitation will count as 2 guest. It
will be imperative that I "guess" very well at how many invitation
to send, with the "attendees" and "regrets", as we will be
providing assigned reserved seating for the entertainment. Is there a
"formula" that can be used when determining how many invitations to
send, without going over or not having enough show. We certainly do not want
empty seats, or not enough seats. Thanks.
The Etiquette Queen says:
There is no good way to predict how many will say yes. There are too many
factors to take into consideration, weather, illness, conflicts of dates, etc.
I would say that if you sent invites to accommodate 775-800 and get lucky, you
should come out OK. But if you are worried about too many people, stick to
750. You can always fill in others later if there seems to be too many
turndowns.
Mimi asked:
What is a polite way to impress upon people the importance of responding
promptly to invitations bearing RSVP?
The Etiquette Queen says:
After you put RSVP add "by (date) and then the phone number. You might
want the date in bold type. That's about the best you can do.
Debi Simmons asked:
We have an employee that is going to retire. We are having a dinner in his
honor. Invitations are going to those who are invited - is it proper to give
the guest of honor an invitation to his own dinner (wording changed of
course). Thanks
The Etiquette Queen says:
If someone has a party in my honor, I love to get an invitation to keep as
a memory. By all means, hand the honoree one. You needn't send it by mail.
Susan asked:
I am having a baby shower for a friend. All of her family and close friends
live in another state. She will not be able to fly home for a baby shower with
family. Is it proper to include family from out of state on the guest list? Or
is this just asking for a gift?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Yes it is proper but yes it is asking for a gift. If the mom-to-be thinks
these people will send a gift when the baby is born, you needn't send an
invite. If she doesn't think they will, why do it. Only send to those out of
town who are like a mom, sister, sister-in-law, etc.
ALYSSA asked:
COULD YOU TELL ME WHO YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO INVITE TO A 25TH WEDDING
ANNIVERSARY PARTY? HOW FAR INTO THE FAMILY TO YOU GO? 1ST COUSINS 2ND COUSINS
ETC? WE ARE HAVING TROUBLE DECIDING WHO TO INVITE. THANK YOU. ALYSSA
The Etiquette Queen says:
Only invite those who would care. If there is a third cousin who is close
and a second cousin who isn't, invite the third cousin. The easiest way to
figure the list is decide who would want to be there for the celebration and
who wouldn't care. After listing those who care, you may have room for some
others, so see how you feel. Remember, you are not only asking them for some
of their time but also a present.
lauren asked:
Where do you place the words Black Tie (bottom right or bottom left)? Do
you write Ninety with a capital or lower case "N"?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Black Tie usually goes bottom right but there really is no rule. When
writing out a number such as the year 1999, all the numbers are capitalized.
Shirley asked:
My husband and his siblings are planning a 50th Wedding Anv. for their
parents and they want to have the party in Las Vegas, which is 4 states away
from us. Most people will have to fly to Vegas. My question is: when
should we send out the invitations. We also would like to make this a
surprise for them (parents), how should we word the invitation. Thanks
for your help.
The Etiquette Queen says:
The earlier the better so that the guests can make plane and hotel
reservations. You might contact a hotel and block off a group of rooms close
together for the guests and let them know this in the invitation. As far as
making it a surprise, just say so.
please don't use my name!!! asked:
What order do - the invitation - response card - reception card
go in in the invitation inner envelop for a wedding?
The Etiquette Queen says:
The invitation takes up the entire envelope. The response card goes in the
response envelope inside the invitation. The reception card goes inside also.
sharon kallini asked:
we are celebrating my daughters first communion, college graduation, high
school graduation and grade school grad. I have four daughters. how should I word the invitation? ex. please join us at an open house.....
The Etiquette Queen says:
How nice to get it all over at one time, also busy. What a great
opportunity to have a fun invitation and party. find pics of a female at
different ages and use those to signify your daughters at their various ages.
Include the reason for each getting a celebration.
T. Lee asked:
I'm having a surprise birthday party for my husband. I 'm inviting people
from out of town, so I'm also sending info on hotels in the area. How can I
tell certain people that they will be unable to stay at my home? In his
culture some guests may feel it is fine to show up at your door expecting to
be put up for the night, even if it is a surprise party. Any suggestions?
The Etiquette Queen says:
In this case, you must be specific in your invitation. Add an insert to
your invitation that your house is too small to accommodate visitors but that
you are including brochures of local places to stay. Be sure to stress that
this is a "Surprise" party and staying at your home will ruin the
surprise.
T. Lee asked:
I'm having a surprise birthday party for my husband. I 'm inviting people
from out of town, so I'm also sending info on hotels in the area. How can I
tell certain people that they will be unable to stay at my home? In his
culture some guests may feel it is fine to show up at your door expecting to
be put up for the night, even if it is a surprise party. Any suggestions?
The Etiquette Queen says:
In this case, you must be specific in your invitation. Add an insert to
your invitation that your house is too small to accommodate visitors but that
you are including brochures of local places to stay. Be sure to stress that
this is a "Surprise" party and staying at your home will ruin the
surprise.
T. Lee asked:
I'm having a surprise birthday party for my husband. I 'm inviting people
from out of town, so I'm also sending info on hotels in the area. How can I
tell certain people that they will be unable to stay at my home? In his
culture some guests may feel it is fine to show up at your door expecting to
be put up for the night, even if it is a surprise party. Any suggestions?
The Etiquette Queen says:
In this case, you must be specific in your invitation. Add an insert to
your invitation that your house is too small to accommodate visitors but that
you are including brochures of local places to stay. Be sure to stress that
this is a "Surprise" party and staying at your home will ruin the
surprise.
Mr Stark asked:
Is it correct for my son, who is graduating from medical school this
summer, to send out announcements to family friends as well as relatives
considering that he probably expects to receive gifts? He did send
announcements for his college graduation just four years ago; and I am unsure
if this would be too much for the medical school graduation. It does seem OK
to send the announcements to relatives but how about the friends? Thanks, Mr. Stark
The Etiquette Queen says:
I am not a great fan of formal graduation announcements. It makes the
receiver uncomfortable about the entire gift thing. Why not send a comical
announcement instead. It will convey the graduation and make people laugh. If
they want to send a gift, they will. I certainly hope your son doesn't expect
them.
Jayna asked:
I am getting ready to mail out graduation announcements and invitations to
the open house for the graduation party. Do I send both to everyone on the
list? Or just send both to close relatives and friends? Is it appropriate to
send only an invitation to the open house and not the announcement? Also, I am
planning on only sending grad. photos to close friends & relatives. Is
that okay? Thanks a million!
The Etiquette Queen says:
If you sending an invitation to an open house celebrating a graduation, why
would you also send an announcement? Is there anyone you want to know that you
don't want to invite to the party? As for the pics, give them to whomever you
want to, there are no rules.
Elizabeth asked:
I am planning to host a birthday party for a friend, to which I will be
inviting mostly our close friends but also some friends of hers who I do not
know very well. The party will be informal (a beach party) but about 45
minutes outside the city we live in. How formal should the invitations be?
Professional, store bought, or printed flyers? (I am a college student; things
are generally less formal, but at the same time I want this to be a nice
occasion.) Thank you for the help!
The Etiquette Queen says:
Since a beach party is basically an informal party, keep the invitations
informal. Use something with a beach theme, pix of beach balls, sand castles,
etc. Also include a map so no one gets lost.
KATIE asked:
MY PARENTS ARE HAVING THEIR 25TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY IN AUGUST. I AM THE
ONLY ONE PAYING FOR IT. I WANTED TO HAVE IT AT AN EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT, HOW DO
I GO ABOUT NOT INVITING KIDS...EVEN WHEN THEIR PARENTS ARE FROM OUT OF TOWN?
IS THERE A POLITE WAY TO NOT INVITE CHILDREN??
The Etiquette Queen says:
First of all, state on the invitation that no children under a certain age
are invited. Send the invites early enough for people to arrange childcare.
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