The
Etiquette Queen 
Ask your questions of the Etiquette Queen now.
You may even see your question and answer posted in the space below.
Denise asked:
I want to express that children are not invited to this graduation
party...how do I do that without hurting feelings???
The Etiquette Queen says:
Just say so. No one should be upset if they know in plenty of time to
arrange childcare. If they can't, express you sympathy but make no exceptions.
patty o'brien asked:
I am planning a retirement party. My question regards invitations. Should I
send invitations to each person that we would like to attend or is it o.k. to
address the invitation to "Mr. John Smith and staff" I should also
add that on the reply card, I am intending to ask for the number of guests
attending. Thanks for your help!
The Etiquette Queen says:
If you want to be sure of the count, send individual invites. If that's not
possible, designate one person in the company and contact them directly after
you send the invite and have them give you the count. Remember, the number
could have a 10% swing either way so take that into consideration. Have fun!
Sara asked:
I'm addressing invitations to a baby shower. Are married women addressed as
"Mrs." Jane Smith" or "Ms." Jane Smith?? I seem to
recall some rule about only using "Mrs." if that person's husband is
deceased, or if you are using the husband's name, i.e. "Mrs. John
Smith" (I hate that -- it's so old-fashioned!) I'd really like to be
proper here though (there are those that would judge!) Thanks a lot for your
help!
The Etiquette Queen says:
Why not just address it Jane Smith?
Retha asked:
Regarding baby shower: Should family members living out of state be sent an
invitation to the baby shower?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You should send an announcement to those who you know would not come in for
the shower. Otherwise, it looks like you're just asking for a gift.
Roxanne Herceg asked:
I submitted a question and you notified me that it was answered. I can't
seem to find it. Please help cause I need to know the answer to it. It was
about whether or not I should put that the mother to be doesn't like pink, on
the baby shower invitations. Please responded as soon as you can cause I need
to get the invitations out soon. Thank You.
The Etiquette Queen says:
I told you to write a little poem indicating that she is not a fan of pink.
Guests like to know that the recipient likes and will use their gift and it's
easier to show genuine happiness.
Jane asked:
Thank you for answering my question on the square dance party for my sister
and brother-in-law's 50th. anniversary. I had asked about a money tree
and you stated you were not familiar with the term Money Tree. This is where
guests would either send or bring money as a gift, (since by the time people
are married 50 years, they usually have everything they need) and the money is
rolled up and tied on a branch or small tree and given to the couple for a
trip or whatever. I did some research in the library and found that it
is okay to have a money tree according to "The New Emily Post
Etiquette" book by Elizabeth Post. My question is how to word that
on the invitation? Thanks again and I will look forward to your answer.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Maybe you could make the invite in the mode of a tree or if you have a
particular thing in mind for the money, use that in the invite to express your
goals. It's now hard. Just say what you want to, most people appreciate being
told.
Tiffany Diehl asked:
I am planning our annual Derby party for our firm. The guest list is
friends of the firm, clients and referral sources. Many invitations are sent
to a company address. We received a call from a guest saying that the invitation
was addressed incorrectly. "Ms. Vicki ___ and Guest." She
told us that we should have addressed it "Ms. Vicki ___, Mr. ____ ____
(on the second line)" I feel like this would be possible if we were aware
of who she was dating at the time but is it appropriate? The inside invitation
reads..."You and your spouse or guest are invited to attend....."
Shouldn't that cover it all?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You were correct. Unless the guest is married or in a known relationship,
the invite is addressed "and guest".
Lisa Youngdahl asked:
We're planning a 50th anniversary party. Dinner will be buffet style, and
coffee and soft drinks provided. The hall will provide a bartender, but it
will be a cash bar. How do we let the guest know that they are expected to pay
for their own drinks?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You simply put in the invitation, bottom left or right, in small letters
the words "cash bar"...that way, your guests will know to bring
money to pay for their drinks. You may want to serve wine on the tables (so
you don't look --cheap--but, if these are your close friends, they will
understand that you can only spend so much on a party like this. Have fun.
Katherine Brotherton asked:
How do you word invitations for a second wedding
The Etiquette Queen says:
Katherine...the same way you do for a first wedding. Truly, there's no
difference. A wedding is a wedding is a wedding. And congrats!
Phoebe asked:
We have had a huge birthday party for our son every year since he has been
born. Full of grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins. I have sent
invitations before. Last year my husband didn't want invitations sent out,
because it's just family. I like to send invitations. Especially the
invitations with the theme of the party. What is the proper way? Invitations
for family or not?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Both ways work, but if it's an actual "party"--you should
definitely send an invitation. You need to know who is coming; you need to
give them time and date...so no one gets confused. Tell your husband to
"cool out!"
Sue asked:
We received a wedding invitation addressed to Mr.& Mrs. ____. No
mention of "and family" or our two sons was included on either
envelope. Wouldn't that mean the children are not included? I feel it's clear
they are not and rude to ask if we can bring the children, my husband
disagrees. Who's right?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You are right. If they are not listed on the invitation (spelled out
clearly by use of their names or the phrase "and family..." they are
NOT invited and it would be rude to ask--putting your host/ess in an
uncomfortable position. Tell your husband I said, "nah nah"
laura asked:
I have a quick etiquette question for you, please. I recently got engaged
and am planning an engagement party. Should I only invite those people who
will also receive a wedding invitation? Our wedding is in October and will
likely be a small, intimate gathering. Thank you.
The Etiquette Queen says:
For an engagement party, you can invite people who are not going to be
invited to the wedding (since it is small--and I'd let that be known). For
showers, etc., you should only invite those invited to the wedding.
Alicia asked:
My sister and I are planning a 50th party for our mom. Is there a polite
way to ask people coming to help pay for it?
The Etiquette Queen says:
There is if you are having it in a restaurant or a party room. You can
figure out a price per person with the manager and put that on the response
card with a choice of 2 or 3 entrees.
Andrea asked:
We are planning a 50th wedding anniversary party for my mom and dad. It is
being held at the DoubleTree Hotel and we expect to invite approximately 200
people. Is it necessary to include a "program" of events, as you
would for a wedding? Also, when is the appropriate time to send out the
invitations - 6 to 8 weeks prior to the event???
The Etiquette Queen says:
No program is necessary. Today, people are sending invitations to
out-of-town guests 8-10 weeks before and to in town guests, 6-8 weeks before.
Have fun.
Sandy asked:
I am planning a nice dinner at a nice rest. here w/a belly dancer:-). I am
on a very tight budget, do I pay for each guest meal or do they pay it? They r
good friends. I won't mind, but I really want them to pay their bill, so how
do I tell them? Or do I get a second job before this party on Feb 25th:-)..Thx
for your time...Have a good day. I look forward to hearing from you..
The Etiquette Queen says:
If you have already invited them to this "shindig," it may be
hard to now tell them they have to pay for their own dinner. On the other
hand, if you haven't, you can include in the invitation an estimated price per
person for the restaurant you have chosen. Then again, if you are really close
with these people, you can probably be honest with them. Good luck.
Tamara asked:
I have a problem. I am throwing my parent's a 25th wedding anniversary
party and invited close friends and family. The friends that I invited are all
couples, would an invited single person feel funny going to an anniversary
party? Also, a couple has replied back saying that the wife could come but the
husband couldn't. The wife wants to know if she can bring a girlfriend
instead, who was originally not invited. What should I do? I am kind of put in
an awkward position! Thanks
The Etiquette Queen says:
I have never heard of such a thing. Yet, it does leave you in an awkward
position. If you indeed tell her "no," she's going to get upset. But
you have every right to do so. As a single person myself, I never feel funny
going to an anniversary party; and I understand when I am invited without a
guest (especially due to the cost of entertaining today). However, I am not as
comfortable. If you can afford it, inviting singles with guests is, of course,
much nicer (for the person attending).
Linda asked:
We are planning a 50th wedding anniversary. Do you have any nice sayings
that would imply "no gifts".
The Etiquette Queen says:
Linda, the usual saying is "your presence is the only present we
need." On the other hand, for those people who feel it necessary, you may
want to enclose a card that asks people to donate to a specific charity in
honor of your parents. Does that help?
cammie asked:
How do you let guests know that alcohol will be served at a wedding (beer
and champagne) without calling it a "cocktail party." I would like
for the guests to know beforehand so that they may decide whether or not to
bring their small children.
The Etiquette Queen says:
If the invitation is informal, you could say "open bar." On the
other hand, if the invitation is formal, you would invite the couples and not
their children by just not listing "and family" on the outside or
inside envelope. Very few weddings are liquor-free. You may still get
children; but there's not much you can do.
Michele asked:
How do you tactfully put in an invitation to a house warming party that I
am having a money tree if they would like to donate instead of gifts?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Michele! I don't think you can. If you are hosting this party for yourself,
it isn't polite to ask for money. If, on the other hand, a friend of yours is
hosting and sending out the invitation, saying that there is a money tree for
those people who can't figure out what to get (if they even want to bring a
present) would be more appropriate. Perhaps you can solicit a friend??!
Lacey asked:
I'm getting married in Las Vegas at the new Bellagio hotel. The problem is
that I live in Victoria B.C., Canada and I don't know if I should invite my
guests formally to the wedding. My mother thinks that it would be rude to do
so because then everyone who couldn't make it would feel obligated to send a
gift. One more quick question; Would it be alright to have a small reception
when we get home just for our friends? If we invite the whole guest list, we
would have over three hundred people. The whole point of us getting married in
Vegas is to save money and the hassles.
The Etiquette Queen says:
I understand where your Mom is coming from, but on the other hand, inviting
your friends to the wedding in Las Vegas is no different than sending out an
announcement (which, as you know, newly marrieds do all the time!). An
announcement is like asking for a gift as well. I would go ahead and invite
them to the wedding (maybe make the invitation less formal than the usual;
something clever that says, "we'll understand if you can't come"),
and go from there. As far as a reception when you get home, yes--invite just
your close friends. People understand the expense of a wedding and will not
hold it against you, I promise. Congratulations.
bill asked:
My son's first birthday is coming up and we want to have a small party with
a few friends who have small children, and a few family members. All the
invitations contained an RSVP request. A few days later I got a phone call
from my mother who was outraged at this saying that RSVP is for friends and
not for immediate family (like grandparents). Is it bad etiquette to request
an RSVP from family members?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Absolutely not. Your mother is being overly sensitive. She may think that
you obviously know she's coming; but even so, you would "write" her
invitation the same as the others. Tell her to calm down and relax!
E. Klager asked:
Is it proper to invite a single woman to a bar mitzvah without also
inviting a "guest" or "escort" if you know she is not
engaged or dating anyone?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Obviously, you can't afford to have everyone and especially people you
don't know. So, you can get away with inviting a single woman (who does not
have a significant other) without a guest. On the other hand, being a single
woman, and although I know it's expensive...I'm very uncomfortable when I'm
not invited with a guest. It's up to you and depends on your budget.
CJ asked:
I'm planning a 50th wedding anniversary for my parents at a restaurant. I'm
assuming it would be rude to ask guests to pay for their own dinner. am I
correct? This would be a huge expense for one person to pick up when you
invite 25 people, but they've already been told they're invited before I'd
sent the invitations out. Any advice? thanks, CJ
The Etiquette Queen says:
I don't know how you'll get away with less than $750 with drinks and food
for 25 people. So, if you can't afford it, you should write the invitation to
invite people to help you host this event by paying for their dinner
--"won't you help me host this special 50th anniversary event for my
parents?" ...include a fixed price per person (determine that with the
restaurant). You can pick up the cake, decorations, etc. It isn't the best
route, but it's better than going into debt or having no party at all.
Dora asked:
My sister & I are planning a surprise dinner party for my parent's 30th
wedding anniversary. However, due to our financial situation, we are unable to
pay for dinner for all the guests. Is there a proper way to inform guests that
they will have to pay for their own dinner?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Yes, sit with the restaurant and come up with a price per person for
several menu choices. On the invitation, you can then list price per person is
$x...that tells them in a nice way that they are responsible for their own
dinner. Wording such as "we're all getting together to surprise "Joe
and Jill" on their 30th! Won't you help us?" Ok?
Michele asked:
We're having a Super Bowl party with finger food AND alcohol. I don't want
parents to bring their children so I don't have to put up everything breakable
and so my guests can relax without having to watch over their (and others)
kids. How do I politely word it on my invitation "no children"?
The Etiquette Queen says:
"No children" or stronger. That's the accepted way; however, some
people still don't listen. You may want to make it a little more palatable by
saying something like... "Since this will be an adult-only party
(drinking, partying and carrying on), you may want to call your babysitter
right this minute!" That way, it isn't so harsh but it is very clear.
Stephanie asked:
I'm having a post-prom party, and it's invitational only, so how do I make
sure that all of my guests' dates are on my invitation list too? and it's at
the same club as he dance, so how do I keep uninvited crashers out?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You need to invite your friends with guest and not worry about whether or
not their dates are on the invitation list. As far as keeping crashers out,
you should put an adult at the door with a guest list...anyone not on it,
doesn't get in. That's it. As long as someone is accompanying someone on the
list, that's fine. Work for you?
Diane asked:
I have several single friends that I am inviting to my wedding, and I want
them each to feel free to bring a date if they want to. How do I address the
invitations? Do I write "Ms. Mary Jones and guest" on the outer
envelope, or "Ms. Mary Jones" on the outer envelope and "Ms.
Jones and guest" on the inner envelope? Or is there another way?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You would write Ms. Jones and Guest on both the outer envelope and the
inner envelope (since sometimes people miss it; and when they don't see it on
the outside envelope they panic!). It is very nice of you to do this. And I'm
sure your friends will be appreciative.
Trena asked:
I am helping my uncle plan a "surprise" retirement party for my
aunt. I wanted to know what I should write on the invitations concerning
gifts? If it was not a surprise, my aunt could register at a department store
so that the guests could pull her gift registry. I would prefer if guests
brought money as a gift because she is older and she has accumulated a lot of
things over the years. Money would be great for a vacation or something like
that. But what should I write on the invitation to let the guests know???
Clueless in VA! Trena
The Etiquette Queen says:
Unfortunately, one doesn't register for a birthday. Wouldn't that be nice,
though? On the other hand, usually the only time you refer to presents on an
invitation is when you don't want any...as in "your presence is the only
present I need!" However, if you really want to send her on a trip, why
not insert a special card that says that you have created the "your
aunt's name Vacation Fund"--and in a fun way, tell guests that they can
donate to the fund in honor of her birthday. That isn't offensive and gives
them an easy way out instead of buying her a gift!
Jim asked:
My younger sister and I are planning a 50th anniversary party for our
parents. We have an older brother who does not speak to us and has very little
to do with our parents. I know we should send him an invitation but, how do we
word the invitations.
The Etiquette Queen says:
If you and your younger sister are giving the party, then you should have
your names listed and not his. At the bottom of the invite, list your names.
Send him one, absolutely, and let him decide whether or not to attend.
Amy asked:
We have an upcoming Bat Mitzvah. There are several families that have 2 or 3
children in them. In a few of these cases, our daughter is friends with only
one of the children, and we have not ever done anything socially with the
entire families together. Is it ok to invite the parents and the one child? if
we don't, we will have way too many children there, both older and younger
than our daughter. We don't want to hurt feelings though, but also feel that
this is our daughters party and that her friends should be there, not all the
siblings. How to word the invitation envelope properly? Mr. and Mrs. Smith and
Kelly? Please help! Thank you, Hilari
The Etiquette Queen says:
First of all, Amy, you can certainly invite one child with the parents in
families with multiple children. My "other" company does 2-3 bar/bat
mitzvahs per weekend, and this is always the case. Unless the other children
are close to your daughter, you are not obligated. As far as wording the
invitation, it can be done either or two ways. A separate invitation to the
child (especially if it's a kids party--you may want a special invite for
them). Or like you listed it...Mr. and Mrs. John Smith & Kelly... Good
luck and let me know if I can help further.
Hilari asked:
I am hostess of a New Year's Eve party. Wine and other alcoholic beverages
will be provided at the party. However, I know how much people like to drink
on New Year's Eve. How would I go about asking quests to bring some alcoholic
beverages of their choice, with out sounding rude? I thought about printing
this on the invitations. (party is for close friends) "Alcoholic
beverages will be provided at the party, However, you know how much we drink.
So, if you can, bring your favorite bottle of wine, or champagne to share with
your friends! " What about this??? Thank you, Hilari
The Etiquette Queen says:
Well, Hilari...sounds fine to me. Especially if they are friends. You might
want to word it a bit more casually--like... "There will be plenty to
drink, but we're still afraid we might run out! How about bringing your
favorite beer, wine or champagne to toast the New Year with your friends. You
will lessen our anxiety and never have to worry the bar will go dry!"
sandy asked:
Another question. Will our guests be mislead? Our invitations state
"cocktail party" at 7 p.m. Does this mean we SHOULD have only hors
d'oeuvres or is serving a ham and rolls with lots of finger foods and desserts
to be expected?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Sandy, once again, people serve everything at "cocktail parties."
Some stick to canapés and finger foods, others set up an entire buffet with
small 6" plates. It sounds more like "heavy hors d'oeurves" to
me.
sandy asked:
My husband and I are having a cocktail party for x-mas. I have put on the
invitations that we will be serving cocktails and hors d'oeuvres. But now we
have decided to have a sliced ham, beans, special recipe potato's and warm
meatballs. My question is. Should we notify people that we will be serving
more than just finger foods? Thank you, Sandy
The Etiquette Queen says:
Sandy, no need. They will be pleasantly surprised. By notifying them, you
may be setting their hopes up. Let it go; trust me, they eat drink and be
merry!
Esther asked:
I forgot to ask you one more thing. My daughter wants to pass out her sweet
sixteen invitations on 8 x 11 paper at school? I wanted to get some pretty
ones printed out on card stock and mail.
The Etiquette Queen says:
You know what, Esther, your lucky your daughter doesn't have expensive
taste. Some girls pick $1500 worth of invitations for a party such as this! So
let her go with the 8.5 x 11 flier.
Cindy asked:
My in-laws 60th wedding anniversary is in December and the children which
includes children in-law are giving them a small party and inviting some of
their friends. Should our invitation list children born from this marriage
only or should the children by marriage be included in the wording of the
invitation? Also, do you include the grandchildren by marriage? Thanks.
The Etiquette Queen says:
If it's a long list, I would just use family names. And I would include
everyone. Or just the blood children of the parents.
Melissa asked:
My sister is graduating from high school this spring. My mother would like
to throw a party to celebrate. The question is what kind of celebration do you
have for a graduation? An open house? Or something more formal? Thank you.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Melissa, normally graduation parties are, in fact, open houses. But that
doesn't mean you cannot do a formal party for your sister's graduation. I
would think that the reason "open houses" are popular is because
there are so many other students graduating at the same time. If you are going
to have a formal event, try not to compete with others celebrating their
graduation.
Shiloh Turner asked:
What is the protocol when throwing an engagement party? Gifts/no gifts, how
far in advance do you need to notify guests? Are there other things I should
know about this type of party. Any help is appreciated.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Invites should go out six - eight weeks before (unless you don't care if
everyone comes!... it gets expensive). As far as gifts go, I wouldn't say
anything on the invitation about that. It's up to the guest. Other than that,
it's just like any other party, except the engagees are the center of
attention. Have fun.
FRANK GUERRERA asked:
A coworker is having a party in which he hand delivered invitations to
people here at work, however he didn't give one to me and I live 5 doors down
from him! Isn't it rude to hand out invites to some people at work and none to
others?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Rude ain't the word for it. Stupid is more like it. This person obviously
wasn't thinking clearly...or his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top!
Pam asked:
On invitations to open houses when people have moved, is it O.K. to put
your complete address and phone number so that people can call for directions
if needed or would that appear to be a request for an RSVP? Also any
suggestions for wording a Christmas open house invitation where it will be a
while until all the furniture was in would be GREATLY appreciated. Or can we
just overlook the lack of furnishings in some rooms? Thanks for your
help!!
The Etiquette Queen says:
You have two choices on the invitation, Pam. You can include your phone
number (which you need to anyway for the RSVP) or you can insert a map (which
many people do). I vote for the latter. In terms of your furniture, your
friends (I am sure) could care less. You can have fun with an invitation and
have a "fill the rooms with boughs of holly and lots of friends--since we
have no furniture" party. Poking fun at your lack of furnishings! Have
fun.
Linda asked:
I am having an evening holiday party in early
December for about 60 adults. Is there a gracious way ask my guest not to
bring their young children?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Linda...Michael asked the same question. And here is my response!
Michael...if you say "cocktail reception" on the invitation, your
guests should absolutely know that children are not invited. If you include an
RSVP with number of guests on it, you will easily be able to determine if a
couple plans to bring their kids; Call them and inform them that there will be
no other children attending. If you have a phone RSVP, the same goes. You will
have to decide what to do when someone says they cannot get a babysitter...so
be prepared.
Michael asked:
We are planning an early evening cocktail reception for the holidays. the
guest list will include (mostly) business associates, some of whom have
children (all ages). We want the reception to be adults only - how can we get
this message across? Thanks!
The Etiquette Queen says:
Michael...if you say "cocktail reception" on the invitation, your
guests should absolutely know that children are not invited. If you include an
RSVP with number of guests on it, you will easily be able to determine if a
couple plans to bring their kids; Call them and inform them that there will be
no other children attending. If you have a phone RSVP, the same goes. You will
have to decide what to do when someone says they cannot get a babysitter...so
be prepared.
Ann asked:
My Husband's Sister is planning a Surprise 60th Birthday Party for my
Mother in law. She asked my husband to pay for half of it. And we both agreed
he should pay for half. Should my name be included on the invitation or just
my husband and his sister's.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Both of your names should be included. The last time I looked, Ann,
marriage was still a community property agreement. Thus, if he is paying for
1/2, so are you!! Have a good time.
Julie asked:
When inviting single guests, how do you let them know it is OK
to bring a guest along? Do you add "and guest" to the invitation?
The Etiquette Queen says:
That is exactly how you do it. Ms. Sherri Foxman & Guest. When should I
be there??
Mariglen asked:
On 50th Wedding Anniversary invitations is it ok to put the wife &
husband's first names instead of Mr. and Mrs., i.e., ...invited to join in
celebrating the 50th anniversary of Jane and John Jones...?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Mariglen! It's the 90's girl! Of course, it's alright to put your first names. In
fact, YOU SHOULD put your first names. Unless this is going to be a
very FORMAL affair (and even then, the etiquette police won't get you), you can
word the invitation any way you like. Happy Anniversary!
Barbara asked:
Is it required, good form, or what, to write a thank-you note for a gift
you received in person? Or is a thank you then and there all that should be expected
from the giver?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Well, Barbara, my mother always told me that no matter what, I should send
a thank you. And I agree. Whether or not the gift is presented in person or sent
or delivered by a handsome man wearing a UPSuniform, a handwritten thank you
should be sent. (Unless you don't like the person...then...well, it's up to you!) The
Queen
Debbie asked:
I am looking for an example or tips to a proper thank you note for high
school graduation gifts.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Debbie! My suggestion is that you go to a local stationery store and order
"informals." Informals are fold-over notes that have your name on
the front. It's a type of a formal thank you. Or, if you'd rather, order
smaller size stationery to write personal notes. Either way, you will be in
proper form! Thanks for asking. And I hope there are lots of gifts. The
Etiquette Queen
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