Posted by Carol on September 30, 2000 at 02:14:52:

In Reply to: 50TH WEDDING ANN. PLANNING CONCERNS posted by Jay D Battenberg on September 29, 2000 at 00:46:23:

In addition to planning my own parents 50th party this year, I also can relate to your concerns as I have worked with dementia/memory clients over the past 20 yrs. Perhaps you may find some of my suggestions useful in your own family situation.

A "big" party is not the ideal for your Dad, particularly because of his memory loss (depending on how advanced the loss is -- if in the early stages you have more flexibility with his tolerance of change). The activity and noise of the event will only add to his confusion. The ideal would be:
1) Something in his own home environment or a familiar environment as opposed to unfamiliar surroundings. The displacement would add to his confusion.
2) Choose your guests to your Mom's comfort level and to the level of confusion you think your Dad can handle. If others want to celebrate with you, perhaps you could coordinate a "card shower" as opposed to guests at a party. We did that for my Uncle and Aunt for health reasons and it was a good choice. Instead of invitations to a party, send a note to family and ask that they recognize the big event by sending your parents a card and include a letter about their favorite memory of your Mom and Dad. You can explain, due to your Dad's health, a big party is not in his best interests but you still want family to participate. Maybe one of your sisters kids could coordinate this activity.
3.) The day of the dinner/party/get together, include old songs, and put lots of old pictures up for him to see. The good news is your father's earliest memories are the ones he remembers the most. In our Alzheimer's units we actually have shadow boxes next to the patients rooms specifically designed to place old pictures and memorabilia in. The patients can find their rooms that way as they have little problem remembering "the old days". Make sure the music isn't "blaring" but you will see a twinkle in his eye when he hears the old songs!
4) Dad will tire easily so set a time limit of the party. From "when to when".

Of course, these don't answer the question of your Mom's hesitancy about the whole thing. Perhaps a more intimate party will make her more comfortable. That's important as it sounds like she's been through a lot and so have you and the rest of your family. Do what feels right. Your sister would want is right for your parents at this stage in their life.

Sounds like you're on the right track already. Keep it simple for the sake of your Dad and your family. It will be wonderful whatever you choose. Congratulations to them.

(PS...if someone wants to give your parents a great gift...how 'bout having them volunteer to stay with Dad for a few hours so your Mom can have a break from the caregiving routine. She probably won't go...but it would be a nice break for her...and you!)

Follow Ups:

• 1951 Events becky 10/08/00 (9)
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