Q&A regarding the stress that arises from the crises, the finances, and the marital and human struggles that accompany all the myriad of travails that go on before, during and after celebration of life events.
	ThePartyDoctor Dr. Sonya Friedman

Dr. Sonya Friedman is the former host of the CNN program "Sonya Live," resident psychologist on ABC Talkradio, weekly columnist for the Detroit Free Press, frequent guest lecturer, and author of several New York Times bestsellers. She currently has a private practice in Birmingham, Michigan. See bio.

Ask The Party Doctor now!

Kimberly asked:

Occasion: Relationship Problems
Long story short, I've been through one bad relationship after another. Most of the men I dated were only after one thing. When they discovered I wasn't going to give myself over, they left me. Then I met a man I thought I would marry, but after a two year relationship, he broke it off and actually told me he'd been seeing other women all along. Most recently, I've been going with a friend of my brother's, who had the ability to bring my self-esteem up like no one else could. Now my brother has decided to move back to the east coast, and his friend is moving back with him. I love this man and he says he loves me, but my brother's friendship is too important to lose. We're like the Three Musketeers at times, and both of them seem to be fine with the situation. I could walk away, I suppose, but I'm afraid I won't be able to feel what I feel for this guy ever again, and that I will get on another streak of bad luck. I need some advice.

The Party Doctor says:

The reason you find yourself going from one complicated experience to the next is due to the fact that you are not giving yourself any space in between to grow. You are the same person seeking the same things from a man repeatedly, time after time. That indicates that you are feeling needy and wanting someone to make the pain go away. It will only stop when you find out more about yourself and begin to change what you expect from yourself. Then, with the growth you experience, you will be able to make better and less painful choices in your selection of men.

The current situation you describe is one that is fraught with potential disappointment. Your brother's pal is clearly very attached to your brother and not ready to give up the adolescent fusion with his friend to begin an independent and adult relationship with you. I would never tell you to give this relationship up because I do not believe you are prepared to do so. Therefore, you will just play it out until you are tired of being a threesome. This kind of group dating is fine for teens, but there is a time to give that up and begin an adult relationship that requires more commitment and investment.

I would hope that you recognize that it is you that makes the choices of the men in your life and, therefore, it is you that must change in order to change your choices.

Rebecca asked:

Occasion: Christmas Gifts
I have two daughters. The younger one is very close to her father, from whom I'm divorced. The older daughter, for good reasons, is estranged from him. This Christmas, the younger daughter went to visit her father. She received gifts from several member of his family, including $15 from his mother. After she returned home, my older daughter received a card from the same grandmother with $5 in it. I am appalled at that behavior. Is there some way to set the grandmother straight? Perhaps my younger daughter should send back $10 and indicate that she doesn't appreciate the differential treatment.

The Party Doctor says:

Dear Mom:

Divorces have a way of creating havoc with existing relationships, and you clearly have already found this to be the case. Since each girl has her own relationship, or lack of one, with her father, it follows that other family members would fall into line with the general tone of the father-daughter connection. While I feel it is short-sighted of the grandmother to enter this arena by discriminating in terms of her gifts, I think it wise for you to stay out of this scene. Let your older daughter take the high road and send a note thanking her grandmother for the gift. There is nothing to be gained by sending back the check, the $10, or making reference to the difference in the amounts. Let me assure you, the grandmother was well aware of what she was doing. Let her deal with it by sending a polite thank you note signed by both girls.

Jacob asked:

Occasion: A Movie Night
I went to a party where all of my guy friends were there with girl friends. The only other people there were people I'd probably never go out with. They all kissed and were close to each other on the sofas and stuff. I felt alone and different. Should I stop going to these things? Will I ever find anyone for me? I need some answers.

The Party Doctor says:

Dear Jacob:

It is always uncomfortable to find yourself alone at a couple's event, especially when everyone is becoming cozy and all you can do is watch. But there is someone for everyone, in fact several "someones." Your job is to find them. Surely there are a number of girls you find attractive and would like to meet. Even if you are very shy, you need to steel yourself to say hello, smile, and make small talk. It's a lot easier when you and a girl have a class in common or belong to the same club at school. If you are not a joiner, then that would be a good place for you to start. The easiest way to approach someone and start a conversation is when you've seen each other several times in class, at a game, waiting for a bus, etc. Then you are familiar with each other by sight and can begin to talk. About what? If nothing else, even the weather will do.

Very Confused asked:

Occasion: Dating
I have a problem. I am almost 15, and I like this guy. He also likes me, but the problem is he is 20 and he thinks I'm 17. He never asked, and I never told him, how old I am. Should I keep seeing this guy?

The Party Doctor says:

Dear Very Confused:

There is a rule of thumb about age differences for teens, and the magic number is 3. It is suggested that a difference greater than 3 years expresses itself in real differences in life stages. For example, at 15 you are dealing with high school issues. At 20, he is dealing with work issues and coming to terms with independence. These are different stages of life and may lead you to diminish or attempt to hid the problems that you are experiencing. I think you would do better for yourself with a boyfriend closer to your age and interests.

Breanna asked:

Occasion: Guys
I really like this guy. He doesn't know who I am (I don't think)but my friend is his friend, and my ex (who I am friends with) is his friend, and I want to go out with him. Perhaps I should get to know him first. Can you give me some hints on how to try and go out with him?

The Party Doctor says:

The first thing you have to do is to get into this guy's line of vision. Like an eye chart, he's got to see you. Why not try talking to him, and tell him that you have a number of friends in common. You might also find out if you have other things in common: sports that you like, or activities, or clubs that you may belong to. There may be a party coming up, and you'll have an opportunity to invite an escort. You can invite him, if you choose. I think it's in your best interest if you know where he hangs out, and you know who some of his friends are, that you appear on occasion, begin having conversations with him so that then you'll really know whether or not you want to go out with him. Right now, he is a fantasy and could be anybody. He doesn't become a "real" guy until you get to know who he is.

Jenn asked:

Occasion: Back From Vacation
I like a guy who is older than me. He knows I exist,he knows I like him, and he was about to ask me out TWICE but then he didn't because he was afraid that I'd say "no." How can I get him to ask me out? I would ask him out, but I have to know if he likes me first.

The Party Doctor says:

Dear Jenn:

I know that there is nothing worse than the waiting game, when you're going through it. But, the truth is, that if your interest is that a guy likes you, all you can do is appear to be receptive to him when he does pay attention to you. Smile at him. Say hello. And make it clear to him that your world is richer for having him come into the room. Other than that, you're going to have to wait a bit, and develop the kind of careful patience that allows you to have a guy take the step forward first. It's been my experience with women that they only feel secure in a relationship in which they have all the signs that the guy wants to be with them, is involved with them, and is not always looking over her shoulder to see who else might be interesting and available. If' you're not willing to wait, if you're not willing to just give him the opportunity to acknowledge you and ask you out, you are never going to feel secure with him. So, suck it up and let him make the first move.

Slim Shady asked:

Occasion: Shy Girl
I have my eye on this guy at school. He's a year old than me, and I don't know how to approach him. None of my friends are his friends, so they can't help me. What should I do?

The Party Doctor says:

Dear Slim:

When you've got a guy in your sights, and he doesn't yet know you exist, you've got to figure out a way to be noticed. Find out what school sporting events he goes to, what fast food shop he and his friends hang out at, what after-school clubs he belongs to. Then go to it, girl. All you need is to be seen on several occasions in the same place as he, and you'll be noticed. Even if you are the first to say "hello," it's okay. Then the rest is up to him. Once you give him the go-ahead, that you are available, he needs to be the one to take the lead. Good luck.

Jasmine asked:

Occasion: Dance
There is this party and all my friends have boyfriends, and I have no date. I know I can have fun without a date, but it's one of those dances where there are lots of slow songs and, with all the couples around me, I would feel left out. Besides,how can I talk to guys and ask them to the dance because I am really really shy and not good at that stuff. Help!

The Party Doctor says:

Dear Jasmine,

It's important to get out to social functions on your own and learn to be comfortable. There isn't a gal out there who hasn't found herself in the same position. Hopefully, there there will be single guys at the party, so pick out a couple who look good on the dance floor and ask them to teach you a step or two. Not only is that an ice breaker, but it's a real compliment to them and hard to refuse. Also, if you have a good friend who is comfortable with her boyfriend and not threatened by you, ask if she'll share for a dance or two. Then go to it, girl. Put a smile on your face and act as if you're happy to be there. If you do that, no one will know differently and, at the end of the evening, you may find you've had the time of your life.

Robert asked:

Occasion: Jealous Neighbor
What do you do if a jealous neighbor decides to hold her own party on the same day as your own?

The Party Doctor says:

Dear Robert,

What you do is go ahead with your own party, and your guest list, just as you planned. That means that if you included your neighbor on your guest list, you just leave it there and invite her. Les the parties begin and have a good time.

Sherri asked:

Occasion: Semi-Formal Affair
Well, the semi-formal is coming up and I have no idea what to wear, and I am having problems about my date. You see, I am going out with this really nice great guy, but we hardly know each other so things are kinda weird - and I like another guy. I would get to know him better but some of my friends go in between us when we're talking and push me away from him and then yell at me for not talking to him. Please help!

The Party Doctor says:

The dress is never as important as who is in it. You need to know that, so that you don't make yourself crazy as to what to wear. Your other problem is more perplexing - that you are going to the prom with a guy you like less than someone else needs to be put out of your mind for that evening or you may ruin this night for you and your date. If a guy asks you to the prom, and you accept,,you have a responsibility to treat him as if he is the important man of the evening and not allow yourself to get carried away with thoughts of someone else. As to the guy you want to get to know better, your friends sound really strange. Are you sure they are friends? What do they think they're about, and why are you permitting them to act so silly around this guy? If you want to get to know him better, ask him to come around when some of these characters are scarce. Maybe some of them are interested in him too, do you think?

Iona asked:

Occasion: Sleepover
My best friend is having a sleepover for her birthday, and she doesn't want to invite some people she doesn't like. I told her to do what she wants, but if she doesn't invite them they will leave her out of things. These people are not very nice, and don't like me, and leave me out of things. I have not done anything to them to make them hate me. The rest of my best friends like them. They slag me off behind my back. The only reason my friends stay with them is because they like them even though they don't like me and they get a lot of male attention when they are around. Can you help please, as I don't know what to do!

The Party Doctor says:

Dear Iona,

While I think it is quite altruistic of you to suggest to a friend that she invite people to her party that mistreat you because they are popular with boys, I think your friend is using good judgement in not including them. The idea that you permit others to mistreat you, or your friends, because there is a potential social gain says very little about the values of an individual. Applaud your friend's good sense, and don't be foolish. Trying to talk her out of the good values she has does neither or you any good whatsoever. The same people who talk behind your back will talk behind hers. It's just a matter of time.

James asked:

Occasion: School Days
There is this girl who is a year older than me. She is hot and nice and caring, and man did I mention she is a fox! So I thought if I changed a bit, she would dig me. Anyway, please help me - or am I in the wrong place?

The Party Doctor says:

Dear James:

It's one thing to like someone for all the characteristics you describe in the girl who interests you. It's another, to try to make yourself into someone you are not. That will last just long enough to get her interested, if it works at all. And then it will wear off. You need to examine the kind of people this girl likes, and then ask yourself if you can fit into that set of clothes...permanently. If not, don't waste your time or hers. You'll both be disappointed.

Kirsty asked:

Occasion: Homecoming
I'm wondering if you can help me. I don't know if I will get asked to the prom. My sister thinks I will, but I don't think I will. No guys have even come close to asking me. I will be so embarrassed if I don't go. And I don't know if you can actually give me an answer here, but do you think I will go? And if you do, I won't know what to say, how to react. Please help me and give me as much advice as you can.

The Party Doctor says:

Being a psychologist is a bit different from being a psychic, so I can't see into the future and predict if someone will invite you to the prom. But I can do something better. I can take all the guess work out of this by suggesting that you find someone, a friend or family member, and ask him to be your escort. Then you will have some control over the situation and won't be so nervous about how the events will occur. Girls need to be proactive and not wait for things to happen to them. Good luck!

Helpless asked:

Occasion: My Birthday
Barely any of my friends get along! How can I get them all together, at my house and hopefully the mall, without ripping each other's throats out or yelling at each other?

The Party Doctor says:

Dear Reader:

Sorry to hear your pals make it tough for all of you to get together. So why do it? Really, why bother if you're going to have to play policeman? You could consider some kind of great prize for the person who says the greatest number of nice things about the others. Make it a reverse "Survivor" party. In order to win, you have to be voted the nicest person for the evening by the most people. Give it a try. If it backfires, find yourself some new friends.

Hannah asked:

Occasion: 12th Birthday
I have a lot of popular friends who are invited to my party. I love them, and they're great, but I really want my party to be a special day for me; and I hope they don't over-shadow me or unconsciously leave me out. Is that selfish? Any advice?

The Party Doctor says:

Dear Hannah:

Sounds like your insecurities are getting the best of you. After all, you are the STAR of the evening. It's all about you. So why not propose that each person offer a toast, or tell about the first time you met, or their most fun time with you. This way, the focus is on you while including everyone there.

Pam asked:

Occasion: Shower for Son's Baby
I am going to be a first time grandmother. I have one son, and the baby is due in two weeks. Three weeks ago, I was invited to a baby shower in their town, which is 75 miles from my home and given by the women at my son's job. I had to take off work early, it was a long way, but I went. I would have driven through an ice storm to get there. But since then I have discovered that another shower was given the following week, closer to my home, by my daughter-in-law's office. I was not invited. My son told me they never invite the mother-in-law, but her mother was invited. My son explained it away by saying his wife just did not want me to feel obligated to buy more presents. I was dealing with hurt feelings from that one when I was hit with the fact that another shower was being given in my town and I was not invited (again, her mother was invited). My mother ran into the lady that gave her the last shower and told her I was very hurt to be excluded, and she said that was not her call to not invite me and besides her mother did not get to go to all of her showers. Whether or not she attended all the showers, she was invited and sent a gift, the choice for which I was not given. I feel the joy of my first grandbaby has been ripped from my heart. I don't know how to handle this. I have an ache in my heart, and I cannot quit crying. Can you make some sense out of this for me?

The Party Doctor says:

Dear Pam:

Without meaning to do so, you are holding your daughter-in-law responsible for the deeds of her friends. While in many cases, the guest of honor gives the guest list to the hostess of a function, that is not always the case. Indeed, frequently, where there are several showers, be they for a bride or a baby, guests are only invited once. True, you are a grandmother and wanted to be considered more than once, and particularly for the shower in your town. But I must remind you that there are different guest lists for different showers and the people giving the shower may not have thought to invite you, whether by oversight, indifference or design. You need to pick yourself up off the floor and dust yourself off. If you hold this against your daughter-in-law, you will be placing yourself in a precarious position. First of all, she doesn't hold responsibility in the matter. Second, you have mentioned it to your son, who came to her defense. Next time you have a problem, or think you do with your daughter-in law, talk to her directly. And third, you have a delicious experience awaiting you. Do not allow this foolishness to rob you of the joy of this baby. Your feelings have been hurt by what you deem to be rejection. It just may be that the people involved don't know you. Cut them some slack and cut yourself some, too.

HVS asked:

Occasion: Graduation Reception
My two older sisters and I are having a high school graduation reception for our three graduates at a restaurant with 150 plus guests. My mother is not talking to me and is taking this out on my children and husband. I don't know what I did to offend her, and this is hurting my family. It could ruin the reception. My mother has already mentioned that she doesn't want to attend. This has happened to my sisters before. She has attended only two graduations out of six grandchildren. Do I prepare my son to expect that she may not attend? I would like the grandparents to attend, and I would like to clear up this misunderstanding before the reception, but I'm afraid I may do more harm. My mother has disliked my husband for a long time, and we rarely visit, but I call as much as I can. Any advice?

The Party Doctor says:

Dear HVS:

Please know, first of all, that your situation is not unique. Many families have unresolved issues that one or more family members hold onto and pull from their emotional luggage at just the precise moment when they can do the most harm. So you see, I've already suggested to you that your mom has a number of old issues that she may not want to resolve at all. She may enjoy that she has a club she can use to hurt others when she has the desire. Therefore, the possibility of "fixing" the family feud may be impossible.

 

Therefore, when it comes to handling the graduation party, you have no obligation to explain anything to family members if your mother doesn't show up (and she probably will not). Your family is already aware of your mom's style. Don't allow her to ruin a celebration for youngsters who deserve to have this be a happy occasion. Invite your mom, and allow her to make her own decision without coercion. I promise you that if you attempt to get others to manipulate her into attending, you will have given her an instrument to use against you. Whatever peace you choose to make with your mother needs to be reserved for another time, and you need to look at why her approval is so important to you that you would allow it to ruin your happiness.

Dana Love asked:

Occasion: Birthday Party
Is organization better or worse for 12 year olds?

The Party Doctor says:

There is little question that to be truly successful in life, organization matters. If you've ever approached the desk of someone who tells you "I know the paper I'm looking for is here somewhere, I just don't know where!" then you know the frustration that brings to both parties. Is twelve too young for organization? No. Will you have to help a twelve-year-old keep things organized? Absolutely. And what if you are not organized yourself? Well then, forget it. The days are over when we could say to our children: "Do as I say, not as I do." Lots of us have tried this method with failing results. Start slow. Be consistent in your expectations, and model the behavior by example.

b.k. asked:

Occasion: Daughter's Birthday
My daughter's 6th birthday is coming up. My parents are divorced, and my husband's family does not like my family, so there's lots of tension. I always have a party for my daughters, but it is wearing on my nerves, making sure no one says anything and that I talk to everyone. I thought perhaps having a party where you come by the house between certain hours and stay a little bit might work. What do you think, and what should I put on the invitation?

The Party Doctor says:

While this is a difficult situation in terms of seeing yourself as the guardian of everyone's feelings during an event in your home, let me ease your distress. This is a party for your child. If the adults surrounding her, who profess to love her, are not capable of putting her needs before their own, they are not acting very adult. A grandchild's party is not time for personal vengeance by warring parties. Why not review this with your folks and ask them which would be less provocative for them. If they feel they cannot be in the same room and be pleasant, then a staggered open house would be preferable. Your husband's parents surely can contain their negative feelings for a few hours. My sense is that they understand that this is difficult enough for you. Should you decide on an open house, you can word the invitation something like: "Come celebrate Sarah's birthday on August 1st. Our home will be open from 2-4 for ice cream, cake and good wishes." Good luck, and tell your parents to behave themselves - your daughter will be watching.

Laura asked:

Occasion: Surprise 16th Party
I have a friend who is turning 16, and I am throwing a surprise party for her. I am going to have a barbeque with some friends, but her girlfriends really don't get along with her guy friends. I really want it to be a girl/boy party, but what should I do?

The Party Doctor says:

Dear Laura:

To ensure that this will be a happy occasion, you may have to make a choice. It appears from your letter that you would be taking a huge chance if you invite two groups of people who don't get along to the same party. Instead of this being a fun night, it could turn into a shambles. I think you might be best to invite the girls to the barbeque early enough in the evening that you can consider asking the boys to join you for cake and ice cream later in the evening. That way, her gal friends can enjoy their time with her and, if any of them becomes uncomfortable when the boys arrive, she can always leave with the knowledge that she had her special time with her friend. Don't try to mix oil and water, thinking that it may turn out all right. It probably won't!

Adri asked:

Occasion: Future Family Get Togethers
I have a future sister-in-law that, for some reason, will not acknowledge mine or my fiancé's presence anywhere, anytime. She will come to the host's home and say hello/goodbye to everyone around us. We both make a point to say hello/goodbye to her and her husband and my

fiance will even approach her to give her a kiss hello/goodbye. I've dealt with this situation for some time now and there are rumors floating that she told my future mother-in-law that I had no part in the family. My future mother-in-law defended me and now they do not speak to each other. What do I do the next time this woman ignores me and my fiancé? Should I continue to acknowledge her presence and allow her to disrespect me in front of the family?

The Party Doctor says:

Dear Adri:

It is clear to me that your future sister-in-law has an issue that concerns you and is not being forthcoming about it. Your best ally in this problem is your fiancé. I'm not sure why he has not had a conversation with her already, asking what is causing her to treat both of you so rudely. Certainly, he feels the same slings and arrows you do and must be wondering about the source of the unpleasantness. If for any reason he is reluctant to have a conversation, then you have important information about your fiance's difficulty in confronting difficult situations. I can assure you that you will meet this inability again. The only other recourse you have, if your future sister-in-law will not engage with you directly, is to speak to your future mother-in-law. I would absolutely attempt to get to the bottom of this, or your present non-relationship with this woman will become a permanent part of your life.

Angie asked:

Occasion: Graduation/Enlisting in Armed Services
Our son just recently graduated from high school and is preparing to enter the armed forces. I am constantly being asked how I feel about his decision. My response never seems to be sufficient for those who believe I should be in tears. My concern is: I am afraid I will be in this condition when we come to celebrate his graduation/enlistment. I don't want to ruin the party, or embarrass him, if I become emotional. This should be a fun time for him, his friends, his family. But I know the question will be asked again. How should I respond, without becoming a sea of emotions?

The Party Doctor says:

Dear Angie:

I don't know about you, but I had to hide my eyes behind sunglasses when my youngest child boarded the kindergarten bus for the first time. It probably won't surprise you that I felt the same way when he went to college and, believe it or not, when he walked down the aisle. That's the downside of love, feeling an emptiness at the thought of someone who has been so much a part of your life and your thoughts, leaving. Asking a parent how they feel about their teen leaving for the armed forces is a foolish question. Except for a parent who finds her child uncontrollable and a problem, the average parent will be sad. So don't worry about shedding a tear or two. If you find yourself breaking down, time to seek the nearest ladies room to touch up your makeup. Try to have the time before the party to tell your son what he means to you, how you wish him well, to take care of himself and, above all...write!

Kim asked:

Occasion: High School Graduation Party
My husband and I are having a graduation celebration for his daughter (my step-daughter) at our home. Her mother will attend, and I would like to avoid any discomfort that might occur because of our "mixed family." The party will be held in the garden, and only about 30 people will attend. Any advice?

The Party Doctor says:

I would suggest that you write a note to your step-daughter's mom telling her how proud you are of this girl, and you are pleased to host a party for her. Additionally, find it in your heart to state some of this girl's more delightful characteristics, i.e., she is sweet, generous, and open to suggestions. Indicate that you are pleased that her mom will be attending to help celebrate this great event. This will serve as an ice-breaker between the two of you and make for a much smoother evening for all.

Susan Satto asked:

Occasion: My 50th Birthday Party
I am having a 50th birthday party for myself, which is very brave of me because I have zero self-confidence. How do I stop these anxiety attacks about people being critical of my party?

The Party Doctor says:

Dear Susan:

This party is supposed to be fun! That means that everyone, including you, is expected to be nice to you. That means that you need to stop yourself from judging everything you do concerning this occasion. Now that would be a real liberating stance for you. My instincts tell me that part of your "zero-confidence" comes from the fact that you are so fearful of failing that you do not allow yourself to do many things.

So, here's a great opportunity for change. In fact, here is a chance for you to begin Act 2 of your life. Celebrate what you have achieved so far. Look back at what you do and don't want to repeat in the next 50 years. Offer friends (good friends only) the chance to roast and toast you. Put a smile on your face and enjoy the knowledge that people will be flattered to be invited. Remember, this is not a competitive event, there's nothing for you to win. You are already a winner. You've taken what life has dished out so far, and the rest is dessert.

Unknown asked:

Occasion: Party At My House
My parents are a bit over-protective, and I want to have a guy-girl party. They're letting me, but I'm afraid they'll embarrass me. Friends say to talk to them, but I don't want to. I just don't want them supervising the party, but they won't trust me if I tell them not to. What do I do?

The Party Doctor says:

As much as you would like to hear otherwise, your parents would be very foolish to leave their home in the hands of unsupervised teens. The truth of the matter is that, for your protection and theirs, minors need the supervision of adults. The use of drugs and alcohol by teens is well known. The incidents of slipping drugs to unknowing houseguests, fights breaking out, and the legions of crashers that have been known to show up uninvited make it vital for the presence of adults.

A small reminder. While you live at home, the house and all its contents belong to your parents. They need to be there to be sure that everything is in tact. While you may have great faith in yourself and your friends, not putting yourself or them in a situation where painful consequences can occur is wise.

Even with parents around, you can have fun. And, as one of my teen acquaintances recently reminded me, "Some of the most terrible experiences I ever had began with a bunch of us just wanting to have a little fun!"

 

Gertie asked:

Occasion: August Party For 13-14 Year Olds
My parents are a bit over-protective, and I want to have a guy-girl party. They're letting me have the party, but the only thing is, I'm afraid they'll embarrass me. Friends say to talk to them, but I don't want to. I just don't want them supervising the party. They won't trust me, if I tell them not to. What do I do?

The Party Doctor says:

As much as you would like to hear otherwise, your parents would be very foolish to leave their home in the hands of unsupervised teens. The truth of the matter is that, for your protection and theirs, minors need the supervision of adults. The use of drugs and alcohol by teens is well known. The incidents of slipping drugs to unknowing kids, fights breaking out, and the legions of crashers that have been known to show up uninvited, make it vital for the presence of adults.

 

Lastly, a small reminder. While you live at home, the house and all its contents belong to your parents. They need to be there to be sure that everything is intact. While you may have great faith in yourself and your friends, not putting yourself or them in a situation where painful consequences could be experienced, is wise.

 

Even with parents around, you can have fun. And, as one of my teen acquaintances recently reminded me: "Some of the most terrible experiences I have had began with a bunch of us just wanting to have a little fun!"

er asked:

Occasion: Guests at the Party
I have very good friends, recently separated. The husband moved in with his office manager a week after the separation. Can I invite them without guests? What if he insists on bringing her?

The Party Doctor says:

You can absolutely invite the husband solo to your home! In fact, at this stage of the separation, it is not good form to have him to your home with his live-in. If you approve of his new arrangement, and want to keep a friend, discuss it with the wife and be completely up-front about the whole thing. Frankly, he cannot insist on bringing his new roommate to your home. It is up to you to set boundaries, not to have someone else do it for you.

R. Broughton asked:

Occasion: Bride/Groom v. Parents
Due to events beyond our control, our son and his new wife have told us that they want nothing to do with us ever again. Since they are recently married, we are still receiving gifts at our home for them. We have no way of knowing a forwarding address or telephone number. How should I handle the gifts?

The Party Doctor says:

While you say that the fallout between yourselves and your children was beyond your control, it would appear that your son and his wife don't see things that way. Since you did not give any details of the events, I can only guess at the seriousness of the disagreement for them to say they want nothing to do with you, and even refuse to tell you where they live. The wedding gifts you are receiving at your home are the least of the issues. Whatever has occurred has caused a total breakdown in your family. Are you really willing to allow that to occur?

You can certainly contact her family and forward the gifts to them. Your son can pick them up there. But if you have any interest in resolving this rift, I suggest that you act immediately to tell her parents that you are heartbroken about the events that have occurred and want desperately to try to heal the resulting wounds. Then get some professional help to bring your family back together.

Joyce M. Henry asked:

Occasion: Wedding Plans for a Mutual Daughter
I have recently separated from my husband of 30 years. It has been on and off three times last year - he goes back and forth to his girlfriend. I have had enough. The question is, I have heard the girlfriend will be attending my daughter's wedding in August. Talk is that she will be out of my way and it should work out fine. I don't want her at the wedding or at the reception at all. I don't believe I can tolerate her at this event, and I don't feel I should have to. This is a church wedding, and I feel that this is a slap in my face. I have to confront my daughter with these feelings, and if she chooses to have her father's girlfriend there, I don't feel I can attend. How do you feel about this situation?

The Party Doctor says:

Having spent over 25 years in clinical practice, I am only too familiar with the pain that is associated with the breakup of a long term marriage. I also know that the pain is considerably greater when there is already another person in the picture. Having said all of the above, I need to remind you that your daughter's wedding is not the place to act out your feelings about this matter.

This is your daughter's wedding and, out of your pain, you are asking that her father be a phantom figure on her happiest day. In your mind, if he is not present, he will be "out of sight, out of mind." Wrong! He will be front and center by his lack of presence. The same applies to you. Additionally, every time your daughter shows her wedding album, the question will be asked, "Where's your dad, or mom?" The fact that the two of you are getting divorced will have a great impact on her life, too. There's no need making the highlight of her wedding day the conflict between her parents.

I believe your best bet is to tell your daughter calmly that you know she wants her dad in attendance, but you would like her to honor your feelings by not inviting his friend. I would think that any daughter would understand and respect her mother's request. Of course, her father may insist that his friend attend, invited or not. Should that occur, I hope that your good sense will prevent you from deciding not to attend.

Mary Margaret asked:

Occasion: Baby Gift
A couple friends of my husband and I just had a baby a year ago. When they had the christening I painted two plaques for the baby. Now they are having the baby's first birthday party. For my son's first holy communion, they only gave him $20.00.I did not think that was right. That's why I gave her the plaques for the christening. She also tells me how much each plate costs and that she wants money for the baby instead of anything else. Now I am wondering what do I get the baby for her birthday party? Do I get her toys or clothes or do I give her money? I did not even get a thank you for the plaques. She did not say to me that the plaques came out really nice. Nothing. It is like she does not appreciate it. I just want to do what she did to me. Please advise.

The Party Doctor says:

While we often return gifts within a similar financial framework as to what we receive, I think you got off to a bad start by making a negative judgment about the gift you received from your friend. Perhaps $20 was all she could afford, or she felt it was an appropriate amount. In either case, you have to make an individual call about what you want to do. That a "friend" asks for cash gifts is inappropriate. That you give a gift to "punish" someone for a previous gift they gave, is also inappropriate. Start fresh. Do you really want this gal for friend? If the answer is "yes," then pick out some sweet outfit for her child if that is what you'd like to do. If you are doubting whether this is a friendship worth pursuing then you and she need to have a heart to heart talk - and the basic issue has nothing to do with baby gifts.

Leah asked:

Occasion: Surprise Birthday Party
I am throwing my girlfriend (lover) of over a year a surprise 26th birthday party, and I am stressing because it is less than two weeks away and some basics have yet to be covered. Also, I have invited some of her family and friends who do not know she and I are in a same-sex relationship - plus friends of ours who are gay. How do I make sure that three hours of alcohol in a hotel suite do not turn into a tense environment? She loves all of these people and would be devastated if I didn't invite them all, but she would be embarrassed if she were confronted with such a touchy subject. I love her, and like all the people invited, but I am beginning to believe this mixture of guests was a bad idea. How do I smooth things out?

The Party Doctor says:

Well, Leah, perhaps without intending to, you have created the fixings for what may be the millennium party of the year...fireworks and all! I can think of no more combustible combination than alcohol and a secret. Add that to the mix of straight and gay folks, who may not be aware of the preference of those in the room, and wheee - the party is off and running. Are you sure you didn't put this together with the hopes that things would explode to the surface? Could it be that you want the recognition of your lover's family and feel it's worth the risk? If your answer is "NO," let me suggest that you dump the liquor and serve an alcohol-free punch. Also, it's a good idea to let your closest pals know that your lover's family and some of her friends are not aware of your relationship, and that you don't choose to call it to their attention at this party. And finally, the decorum you two show at this party will set the scene for others. Do let me know how it works out!

Kelly asked:

Occasion: Holiday Open House
I am having a holiday open house and I plan to invite family, friends, neighbors and co-workers. Recently, as a result of a very embarrassing situation (for him), I ended a brief but serious relationship. I'm not sure he realizes that I would remain friends with him, and I haven't heard from him in quite a while. Would it be way off base to invite him and his roommates to my holiday open house? I'd just like to break the ice and re-establish a friendship since we have other mutual friends and the holidays could be very awkward. I've already run into one of his roommates and it was very tough to know what to say. What would be the best way to handle this?

The Party Doctor says:

Since we all know that every love affair doesn't end in marriage, why not extend the branch of friendship to your ex. It's a lovely gesture that indicates that his worth as a person in your life remains even if the romantic bond has ended. What you may have to face is that he may not be ready to accept your invitation. People make the transition from one form of relationship to another at their own speed and can't be rushed. Don't let that stop you from offering the invitation to him and his roommates. But be prepared to be gracious if you're rebuffed, and consider smiling and saying," Maybe another time." Here's hoping you and your ex are ready for a new chapter.

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